I am no fan of terrorism. I don’t like it one bit. I think terrorists are irrational, insane… I am no fan of terrorism. I don’t like it one bit. I think terrorists are irrational, insane and in desperate need of a toothbrush. From al-Qaida to Hamas, I just don’t get it. What’s not to like about America? We gave the world Walmart. Not to mention the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

I can’t fathom what it is about their lack of hair products and limited filmmaking skills that makes terrorists so angry all of the time. The whole suicide bombing thing? I haven’t seen anything so emo since the last Dashboard Confessional music video.

But I have to come to the realization that asking terrorists to stop it would be about equivalent to asking Bill Clinton to put his pants back on — it’s just not going to happen. Trust me, if we could just pick some random country in the Middle East and invade it under false pretense with the hopes that we can both annihilate every possible terrorist and drive oil prices down, I’d be all for it. Oh, did we try that already?

Unfortunately, the world doesn’t seem to work that way, or, at least, the Middle East doesn’t seem to work that way. The entire terrorist plan is built off the fact that America is militarily superior. Now while former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld looks up what a plan is, I would like to point out that this means that the United States has to fight with things other than just bombs.

Hold on, Republican Party, I already know what you are going to say. And no, I do not hate America. Somewhere between the Patriot Act and common sense sits this notion that treating Middle Easterners like people is somehow un-American. So while George Bush looks up what common sense is, let me be the first to say that I understand liberals and war aren’t exactly Batman and Robin. Heck, if we’d pulled out of Iraq too early, America would have been nothing more than a high school kid on prom night: embarrassed and unsatisfied.

Liberals haven’t staged a well-done war since Roosevelt was rolling around. Johnson screwed up Vietnam. Carter screwed up Iran. Michael Dukakis tried to ride in a tank. Maybe the Democrats aren’t the most Caesar-esque of the bunch. Just because liberals are better lovers than fighters (no, really ladies, we are much better lovers), does that somehow make them un-American?

America has had a lot of enemies over the years. It all started with the Brits and their damn taxes. Ironically, British people have dental hygiene equally as bad as terrorists’. The list continues with the Germans, the Japanese, the Germans again, the South. You know, the Germans sucked there for a while.

The point is that every time America has been involved in a conflict, we’ve thrown away the very principles that have made us such a great nation. Between Japanese internment camps, the firebombing of Dresden and Sherman’s March down South, America has compromised its standards faster than a drunk guy at a frat party. We cannot allow terrorism to become the next communism!

Have we no sense of decency? If victory against terrorists is only to be found by perpetuating the terrifying and deadly conditions that Iraqis and Afghans need to live with on a daily basis, then where is our decency? If fighting terrorism means that we can’t allow American Muslims to build community centers and keep their holy books away from our bonfires, then where is our decency? The war on terrorism is all about principles, so we certainly can’t forget our own.

Okay, so I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not true. I am not just trying to make the Dixie Chicks cool again, although I hear they’re not quite ready to make nice either. The point is that we must handle this war responsibly.

Not agreeing with military action is not un-American. Terrorists suck. They really suck. But there is no reason to go all Joe McCarthy on anybody who doesn’t think we need to drop bombs like Outkast. Yes, we have just ended military operations in Iraq — although I thought we’d accomplished that mission a while ago, Bush. Keep our soldiers in your thoughts, and while you’re at it, let some innocent Iraqis and Afghans enter them too. And for heaven’s sake, will somebody show al-Qaida how to use a camera?

Write Andrew at [email protected].