Loaded nuts

The Associated Press reports that a… Loaded nuts

The Associated Press reports that a district judge from Intercourse, Pa., stuffed condoms into acorns and proceeded to casually distribute them among unsuspecting women. Judge Isaac Stoltzfus, who claims handing out the “rubber nuts” in a shady spot near the Capitol was just a friendly prank, is being charged with disorderly conduct. Okay — Intercourse, condoms, nuts, rubber. You insert a joke here. There were too many for us to choose from.

Miami vices

As a correction printed on Wednesday pointed out, The Pitt News mis-stated the Pitt football team’s record after the Sept. 23 game between the Panthers and the Miami Hurricanes. Instead of 1-2, we printed 1-3. Pouring over the extensive notes and reporting materials that went into computing the record, we’ve determined the mistake’s underlying cause: It seems the loss to Miami was so horrendous that we counted it twice.

Puff the Magic Dragon

According to MSNBC, 20 grams of marijuana was brought into a Lake City, Fla., elementary school by a 3-year-old boy. At the moment, no charges have been filed against the child, though an investigation is under way. This comes as no surprise to us. We always knew that juice boxes were a gateway drug.

Mystery claws

The Oakland Tribune, based out of the San Fransisco Bay area, reports that a 300-pound black bear was dumped on the sidewalk of a San Leandro, Calif., strip mall. Authorities are puzzled. “There are probably a thousand different possibilities as to how and why it was dumped there,” Alameda County Sgt. J.D. Nelson said. Given how mysteriously the Pennsylvania Republican gubernatorial candidate appeared on Pitt’s campus Sept. 9 and then promptly disappeared, The Pitt News suggests asking Tom Corbett about where the bear might have come from.

Holidays with Bubba

Does Santa visit jail? According to The Associated Press, on Monday a Montana judge gave a 10-year suspended sentence to a man accused of assaulting a woman, but Judge Nels Swandel added a caveat. Swandel ordered the man to report to jail from Dec. 15 to Jan. 1 every year of his sentence, noting a tendency for the man to get into trouble during the holiday season. In unrelated news, we’re waiting for Pitt officials to announce that campus-wide lockdowns will go into effect for the 36 hours after future Super Bowl games.