Gamer goodbye

Microsoft recently banned about 1 million users from X-Box Live, its online… Gamer goodbye

Microsoft recently banned about 1 million users from X-Box Live, its online gaming service, for rigging their game systems to play pirated copies of games. Tissue sales have since quadrupled.

Breakfast of champions

Authorities in West Virginia made a grim discovery: a collection of chopped-up bones, hair and a pair of reading glasses confined behind a wall in a bed and breakfast mansion in the state’s Northern Panhandle. Immediately thereafter, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl demanded a tax from the freeloading skeleton.

Donut Tahn

Pittsburgh and Allegheny County will soon get 105 new Dunkin’ Donuts stores, to be opened within the next several years. Also in the news, Sheetz convenience stores started a petition demanding beer sales in its stores. And who said Pittsburgh isn’t a classy city?

Icy road ahead

PennDOT recently held a news conference to urge drivers not to pass or follow plow trucks too closely on the roads this winter. Immediately thereafter, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl demanded a tax from the freeloading transportation department.

Hopeless hope

A new study from CMU found that having hope in certain situations can actually lead to more unhappiness than knowing a negative result will ensue. For example, prisoners with a chance for parole exhibit more misery than those with permanent sentences. We’d normally make a joke about President Barack Obama here, but we’re far too depressed.