It’s past midnight and I’m sitting in the dark, bathed in the glow of a computer screen,… It’s past midnight and I’m sitting in the dark, bathed in the glow of a computer screen, thinking about Miley Cyrus. Most men in this position are listed on some type of national registry.

But really, officer, I can explain. You see, Cyrus’ magnum opus, ‘Hannah Montana: The Movie,’ debuted at No. 1 at the box office last weekend, and it’s natural to wonder about the cultural significance of such an occasion. If nothing else, it’s just another notch on Cyrus’ snakeskin belt as she dominates every facet of pop culture yet untainted by her squeaky clean touch. But then, there’s always something else, isn’t there?

As is typical when Cyrus is in the news — which, coincidentally, is all the time — it’s a question of age. In the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly alone, the 16-year-old is criticized on two separate occasions for dressing ‘out of her age range’ and dancing too provocatively. This is strange, considering how tame she keeps her act — Britney Spears was only 1 year older when she appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone in booty shorts and a pushup bra.

Point is, if the sexualization of teens is a problem in our culture, Cyrus shouldn’t take the blame. Try movies like this week’s ’17 Again,’ starring Zac Efron. It’s like ‘Big’ in reverse — A nostalgic schlub (Matthew Perry) wakes up to find that he’s, you guessed it, 17 again — and in Zac Efron’s body, no less! In the trailer, we see that, opportunist he is, he decides to take his sexy new/old bod for a test drive by enrolling in high school.

In a way, that makes sense. A creepy way. There’s the obvious reason — the sexualization of a 17-year-old boy to the audience. Early reviews note that the film is preoccupied with the sex appeal of its star. Maybe, in a meta kind of way, audiences know they’re allowed to ogle the 21-year-old Efron, even if he’s playing jailbait — just like they can watch 20-somethings playing teens violate each other weekly on ‘Gossip Girl.’

More unsettling, though, is the concept of a 37-year-old man roaming the halls with six-pack abs and an androgynous haircut, attracting the gaze of many an underage hottie.

It’s reminiscent of the ‘Twilight’ series, another ‘old man in a young body’ story. While Efron’s latest vehicle draws the line at ogling, the immensely popular vampire love series goes boldly further when a 17-year-old girl falls madly in love with a 108-year-old man. Because his vampiric body is still 17, it’s supposedly OK for the cross-species lovebirds to obsess over one another.

But really, that’s just icky.

Shame on you, Edward Cullen, for hanging around in high schools 90 years after you first graduated. And shame on you, too, Matthew Perry guy, for taking one look at your brand new babyface and sniffing out the closest sock hop. You give real teenagers, ones who have teenage bodies and teenage minds, a bad name — you’re making Miley Cyrus look like a tramp for daring to wear a skirt in public.

It seems that in movies and reality, most people who miss high school enough to wish they could go back fall into one of two categories: those who stopped being cool once high school was over, and those who continue to lust over the type of girl they once made out with in a janitorial closet.

Please stop giving these men teenage bodies, and please stop making movies about them. We have to keep the Miley Cyruses of the world safe.

Tom is graduating and this is his last column. Wish him well at [email protected].