Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2009 April Fools’ edition. It is a… Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2009 April Fools’ edition. It is a work of fiction produced solely for entertainment value.

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To the Editor,

I completely agree with the City Council’s decision to ban porch couches in Pittsburgh. Couches should not be allowed outside under any circumstances whatsoever because they could be lit on fire by unruly college students. College students light everything on fire to celebrate even the most minor of occurrences ‘- I was at a birthday party last week, and someone actually lit the cake on fire and then forced the birthday girl to blow it out! And placing them on wooden porches only makes it worse, because a porch is connected to the house and made of wood, which burns when it’s on fire and then could catch the house on fire with fire.

As for those naysayers who might bring up the minor point that some porches are made of stone, stone is just as much of a threat. I can’t exactly prove this point, but you should trust me that it is because I’m a communications major and I know how to write a persuasive argument, as this letter proves very well.

In closing I think that the lack of couches on porches will certainly solve this problem once and for all. After all, the only way that students would be able to light a couch on fire now would be to take one from inside their house, and there’s no way they’re clever enough to do that. I mean, that doesn’t even make sense. Honestly.

Anonymous student

School of Arts and Sciences