The first round of the NCAA Tournament is one of the reasons why I could never be a teacher. … The first round of the NCAA Tournament is one of the reasons why I could never be a teacher. High school, I’m speaking of. Each class of mine would turn into a rambunctious study hall while Mr. Mitsch (Mr. M if you’re the kid who thinks you’re cool while everyone else thinks you’re annoying) stares blankly at the first-round games on the room television during class hours. I can see it now … Student: Um, Mr. Mitsch?’ ‘ ‘ Me: (Staring at TV) … Sit down. Student: Um … I, uh, just wanted to ask you a question. Me: If you’re ordering a pizza then yes, I want in. Student: We’re not, but, um … do we still have homework for tomorrow? Me: (Shooting student a stern glare) Yeah. (Riffling through my desk, I hand the student a crinkled up bracket sheet.) Here, keep track of my picks. I got a lot of money on this. Oh … here, this, too. Student: This is a menu. Me: I want the chicken sub. And get some onion rings or something. Then I would definitely get a reputation among the other teachers because all the dudes like me in high school would take the hall pass and flock to my room to watch the games and tell everybody that’s where they’re going because Mr. M is cool. Yeah. – By the way, how awesome would it have been to have all three Division-I college basketball teams from Pittsburgh ‘- Pitt, Duquesne and good old Bobby Mo ‘- in the Tournament? Nonetheless, Pitt and Robert Morris made it and Duquesne almost beat Virginia Tech in the NIT. The only piece left is an NBA team in Pittsburgh, and … hoops town! – Names for Pittsburgh’s NBA team (Bill Simmons can keep his Pittsburgh Ironmen and Pittsburgh Coal): Pittsburgh Weather (inconsistent but mostly ugly), Pittsburgh Pop (short for the city’s declining population, which the team’s attendance would inevitably mimic), Pittsburgh Carp (named for the three rivers’ most recognizable fish, not Karp of ‘Mighty Ducks’ fame). – Sports Movie Quote Trivia Question of the Last Month or So: ‘It’s easy to grin when your ship comes in and you’ve got the stock market beat, but a man worthwhile is a man who can smile when his pants aren’t too tight in the seat.’ – I might try to latch onto the Pitt women’s hoops team in some capacity just to travel to all the interesting places they get to go. Including this year’s NCAA Tournament, in the past several seasons they will have been to Rome, Greece, Cancun, Seattle, Oregon and Albuquerque on top of the trip to Tampa to play South Florida in the Big East. Meanwhile I’ve been to such exotic hot spots as Milwaukee (twice!), Lansing, Mich., Annapolis, Md., Indiana and Cleveland. I mean, I’ve been to New York and Washington, D.C. a few times, but come on … Greece! – Rankings (first place votes): 1. Bryce Drew (1) ‘- To Bryce once from Michael Jordan, ‘What’s up, shooter?’ No joke. 2. T.J. Sorrentine ‘- Package deal with Taylor Coppenrath, unfortunately. 3. St. Patrick’s Day ‘- Astonishingly, not named for yours truly. 4. Teddy the roller-skating cockatoo ‘- Can do one thing I can’t. 5. Morehead State hats ‘- Everybody knows someone who had one of these. Everybody. Also receiving votes: Writing fake early dismissal passes to get out of school and go to Damon’s to watch the NCAA Tournament with 10 other guys because nobody wants to be left out, the Jimmy Rollins Dick’s commercial. Dropped from the rankings: Getting to Damon’s and hearing there’s an hour wait when you never considered that there might be, so you have to go to your friend’s house which really isn’t anything to brag about, Eric Devendorf. – I can’t help but think that Coolidge College is playing Cal State-Northridge in ‘Van Wilder.’ The Matadors!? – Sports Movie Trivia Answer of the Last Month or So: Judge Smails in ‘Caddyshack.’ Mmm? Mmmm? – President Barack Obama has Pitt in the Final Four. Digger Phelps picks Pitt to win the whole thing. If neither happens, Pitt will prove some of the most influential people in the entire world wrong. (The clock is at five, can he get off one last joke? Four … three … two … one … here’s the heave!) – The Pirates sent Tom Gorzelanny to Triple-A. He could use the tune-up! (No good! It’s off the mark! Mitsch misses with no time left! Oh, what an upset!) E-mail Pat at [email protected].