If this past week has made me thankful for anything, it’s that I don’t have children. Really,… If this past week has made me thankful for anything, it’s that I don’t have children. Really, how do you explain what’s transpired over the last week or so to a child? I’d prefer to sit down a roomful of children and tell them that Santa isn’t real instead of telling them that former golden boys Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps are horrible people. They were arguably two of sport’s biggest, most popular stars. They weren’t just extremely talented, non-threatening athletes, but exemplary human beings. Or so we thought. Cue dramatic music. On Saturday, Sports Illustrated reported that A-Rod tested positive for steroids in 2003. The story said Rodriguez was one of 104 players to test positive for steroids that season, but his was the only name mentioned. Rodriguez was supposed to break every offensive record in baseball. He was supposed to set everything straight after all those juiced-up fellas destroyed baseball’s integrity.’ It’s just disappointing, you know? He was such a great role model for the children. In 1994, he made his first start when he was only 18, and in his first full season, 1996, he led the American League in batting average, runs, total bases and doubles. Since then he somehow managed to only get better. And he did it all with perfectly tanned skin, frosted tips and a reputation for being a hard worker. How do you tell kids not to take steroids once they find out A-Rod did it? I don’t think you honestly can. I’m not a steroid expert, but I’d bet A-Rod went for the cheap kind, which is terrible considering he is the recipient of the two highest contracts in sports history. The biggest example being they stopped working in October. Also, the report states he took them in 2003, which coincides with his first MVP award. That year he hit .298, had 47 home runs and drove in 118 runs, all while playing for the last-place Texas Rangers. Since then, A-Rod won the MVP award in 2005 and 2007. He hit for a higher average, more homers and more RBIs in those two seasons for teams that made the playoffs. So not only is A-Rod a cheater but one who doesn’t spend his money efficiently.’ While A-Rod cheated the game of baseball, Phelps cheated the hearts of Americans. This past summer, Phelps became one of the nation’s all-time great athletes by winning a record eight Olympic gold medals, giving him 14 in his career, also a record. Last weekend, a British tabloid published a photo of Phelps smoking marijuana while at a college party in South Carolina. Shortly after, defensive cries of ‘He’s only 23!’ came from every corner of the Internet and TV box. It seems like a reasonable excuse, except Phelps is also a professional athlete, and thus, a role model. The only times we should see Phelps out of a pool are when he’s standing on a platform to accept a medal after winning a race, helping a kitten down from a tree or saving Japan from another Mothra attack. What’s even more troubling about the defense of Phelps is that it was pot, a gateway drug. Hasn’t anyone else taken health class? How soon until a French tabloid publishes pictures of Phelps snorting cocaine while on acid? Are we going to turn our heads in 2012 when Phelps is swimming in the Olympics with a syringe sticking out of his arm and starts making left turns in the middle of his races? While some horrible people, myself included, would love to see only heroin-addicted competitors in the Olympics, our children don’t need athletes looking remotely like Keith Richards. To be fair, Rodriguez and Phelps are about as good of role models at this point as Rae Carruth, and that’s a shame. They seemed like two of the good ones. Now it’s up to parents to find which other athletes are worthy of being role models for their kids. Sure, your kids could look up to doctors, teachers, policemen, firemen and assorted other respected professionals from around the community, but are they going to hit a game-winning home run in the World Series? Well, to be fair, A-Rod isn’t going to either. But that’s not the point. Athletes aren’t here just to entertain us these days. They’re here to raise our kids, teach them you don’t need to memorize the periodic table of elements if you can memorize 25 different handshakes. Or you don’t have to shovel your elderly neighbor’s snowy driveway if her suggested payment isn’t your market value. You really need to start doing some intense research, parents. If this past week should have taught you anything, it’s that we don’t know athletes like we think we do, and idolizing them as anything but athletes might not be so smart. Make sure you talk to your kids about why not all athletes make great role models and to be careful who they worship. Let them know the ‘athletes as role models’ thing might not work, and that’s when you should suggest trying out a musician or actor.