‘ ‘ ‘ There aren’t really any rules to being a sports fan. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Sure, people say you… ‘ ‘ ‘ There aren’t really any rules to being a sports fan. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Sure, people say you have to root for teams that play closest to your hometown or that your parents rooted for. And others say you can’t just switch the teams you pull for when they start to do poorly. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Those are nice, but not set in stone. It’s time to create the first universally accepted rule of sports fandom.’ Any time a weekend opens with a story about Roger Clemens’ sadomasochism, it’s going to be a great weekend for sports. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Last week, excerpts from Joe Torre and Tom Verducci’s book, ‘The Yankee Years,’ started coming out in the press. The book is about Torre’s tenure as manager of the New York Yankees from 1996-2007. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ On Thursday, it was reported that before starts, Clemens liked to take a whirlpool bath at the hottest temperature possible. Yankees trainer Steve Donahue is quoted in the book saying, ‘He’d come out looking like a lobster.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Then, before starting Game 2 of the 2000 World Series against the Mets, Verducci wrote that Donahue would rub the hottest possible liniment on Clemens’ testicles. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘He’d start snorting like a bull,’ said Donahue. ‘That’s when he was ready to pitch.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The book did not, however, say if Donahue was wearing a leather mask while performing this act, or if he held Clemens’ head under the scolding whirlpool water at the once-thought-to-be future Hall of Famer’s request. Hopefully a sequel is on the way. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ After reading that, I knew I was in for a special weekend. Luckily, I was feeling a bit under the weather and Dr. Me ordered a weekend primarily spent in my room.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ A failed attempt at sleep Thursday night led to waking up at around 4 a.m. Friday morning, or more appropriately, just in time to watch some superb tennis.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ It was the semi-final match in the Australian Open between No. 1-seed Rafael Nadal and No. 14-seed Fernando Verdasco. The two Spanish left-handers battled for an Australian Open-record five hours and 14 minutes. It was stunning. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ They covered every inch or, for our Australian friends ‘mdash; centimeter, of the court, trading volleys, drop shots and any other variation of hitting a tennis ball over a net you can imagine. Eventually, Verdasco couldn’t keep up with the world’s best. After double faulting to lose the match, Verdasco dropped to his knees while Nadal fell to his back in celebration. After the two men shared a hug, it was back to sleep.’ The next day saw not only a replay of the match, because it was that good, but the women’s final between Serena Williams and Dinara Safina. Williams dominated, winning the 10th major of her career in a measly 58 minutes. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The match was over before I could decide who I thought I’d have a better shot of taking in a fist fight. Eventually I realized I’d have to use a weapon to beat up Kerri Strug, and even then it would be close, therefore I stand no chance against Safina or Williams. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Nadal ended up winning the Australian Open on the men’s side in another fantastic match. This one came against rival Roger Federer. Thankfully for Federer, he wasn’t playing baseball, because he cried after losing.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ But the real highlight of the weekend came on Sunday, of course, with the fifth installment of the Puppy Bowl. For those out of the know, the Puppy Bowl airs on Animal Planet the same day as the older, yet somehow-still-a-knockoff Super Bowl. It features dogs playing. That’s it. Really. Dogs running around a fake football field playing with one another while NFL Films narrator Harry Kalas gives us the play-by-play and viewers watch and say ‘aww’ a lot. It’s almost too much adorability for one TV screen. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The dogs bark, jump and sniff one another. Eventually toys are added and pandemonium breaks out as all the dogs end up fighting for the same toy even though the field is littered with them. Kittens play with a scratching post for the halftime show, Pepper the Parrot sang the national anthem, and shots of a crowd of dogs sitting in chairs watching the Puppy Bowl are cut to throughout the game. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ This year’s was great. Since I missed their names, all the dogs will be named after famous dogs. The star of this year’s Puppy Bowl was unquestionably Porkchop, who picked up any squeeze toy in her path and ran it to either end zone for multiple ‘Puppy Touchdowns.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ On the defensive side, Snoopy had a great game, bringing down anyone in his path, even biting a few of his opponents. Unfortunately, Snoopy 2 ruined the fun, if only for a little while, by streaking. He ran onto the field naked, but luckily the censors were on their game, adding a black box over his privates. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ While player-coach Snoopy 3’s playcalling was a bit questionable late, it was still a great game. Sure, so was the Super Bowl, but that’s too commercial now. The Puppy Bowl takes everything I hate about the Super Bowl ‘- hype, walking upright ‘- and replaces it with things I feel football desperately needs, like hair shedding and field urination. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ So next time you read a story about Roger Clemens’ testicles, don’t vomit or change the channel so soon. You’re surely in for one amazing weekend of sport.’ Later, of course, you can vomit.