On behalf of the University of Pittsburgh student population at fault, I’d like to formally… On behalf of the University of Pittsburgh student population at fault, I’d like to formally apologize to any inanimate object that was disturbed or harmed in the celebration after the Steelers Super Bowl victory. Not because I did any of the disturbing; I most certainly did not. I respect the bus station shelters, newspaper stands and street signs of the world, and I think it’s awful that they should suffer because the Steelers won. How would you like it if you were minding your own business, quietly but effectively alerting drivers that you can, indeed, only go one way on Forbes Avenue, when some drunk idiot decided to rip you down off your pole and throw you in a fiery blaze with an unsuspecting couch? Or if you were a newspaper stand eagerly waiting to distribute the news of the night’s win to the anxious public the next morning, only to be hoisted from your corner and thrust into the street to be terrorized for your loyal service? Despicable. Does the euphoria of a big sports victory finally give people enough nerve to confront that library window or that utility pole that had been wronging them for so many years? What did the construction equipment do to incite such hate? Will corduroy couches be forever doomed to venture outdoors in constant fear? I wonder … – I also wonder if people in, say, California celebrate Groundhog Day. People in Minnesota? Texas? Do kids in Tennessee grow up waving Punxsutawney Phil cutouts on popsicle sticks in late January? I say no ‘mdash; that Groundhog Day is not a national holiday, even though Wikipedia says it’s celebrated in the United States and Canada (Canada?). It can’t be. But it is, you say? OK, then. Ever celebrate Cesar Chavez Day? Boxing Day? No? Exactly. Moving on. – Oh, well, one more thing: How backward and irrational is Phil’s decision making? No logical groundhog would come outside with the sun shining, see his shadow and be like, ‘Ah, what a nice day! Well, more winter, then. Six weeks more, I’d say.’ Phil is clearly a nut-job. OK, now moving on. – Actually … haha, well, apparently the crowd in Punxsutawney on Groundhog Day can get up to as many as 40,000, which means standing outside, cold in the dark at 4 a.m., waiting for a rodent to be yanked out of a stump is a more attractive entertainment option than a Syracuse football game. And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, we can finally move forward. – For the record: it was a celebration after the Super Bowl, not a riot. Wanna see a riot? Look up footage of the 1992 L.A. Riots. Yeah. Anything that happens after a sports win that doesn’t involve international soccer hooligans is mere merriment. – Rankings (first place votes): 1. I.C. Light (1) 1. Primanti Bros. (1) 1. Donnie Iris (1) 1. Pierogies (1) 1. Pittsburgh (1) Dropped from the rankings: Crappy weather, poor roads caused by crappy weather, potholes the size of craters, eternal road construction, dwindling population, the Pirates. – Enterprises that would sound cool if they weren’t immoral and completely illegal: loansharking. Right? Doesn’t being a loan shark sound like you’d be the Greg Norman of loans? And wouldn’t you want to be the Greg Norman of anything? – How about the Greg Norman of H-O-R-S-E? Because now there’s a H-O-R-S-E contest at the NBA All-Star competition. So, as it turns out, you can hold an NBA All-Star competition in my friend’s driveway. – Britney Spears’ former manager is suing her and her parents for defamation, among other things, according to People Magazine. Well, Brit, how would you like it if millions of fans sued you for misrepresentation via reckless abuse of Photoshop on the cover of Circus? Yeah, good luck fighting that one. – Nothing completely disables me like slow Internet. Nothing. – You know, the second go-around of being a senior is a lot less exciting than the first. Where are all the stragglers with fake late passes? Freshmen are walking around wedgie-free! I have yet to hear a single ‘Seniors ’09!’ screamed from the back of a pickup truck peeling out of the Union driveway. Terrible … just terrible. ‘ E-mail Pat at ‘- SENIORS! ‘- [email protected].