‘ ‘ ‘ A book critic’s job is often a difficult one as he must actually spend time reading the… ‘ ‘ ‘ A book critic’s job is often a difficult one as he must actually spend time reading the books. With so very many pieces of literature published, no one could possibly keep up. Therefore, this week I offer you reviews of books I’ve never read. Created entirely from assumption, hearsay, stereotype and hubris, these reviews should actually be the purest criticism, unsullied by the source text itself: ‘ ‘ ‘ 1. ‘Twilight’- Enough with vampire erotica already. Despite her lurid attempts to overthrow the ‘Animorphs’ saga as the truest-to-form chronicle of magical teen life, Stephenie Meyer miscalculates how much unreality teen audiences can tolerate. Had she stopped at blood-sucking heartthrobs, Meyer might have salvaged her work, but I assume she doesn’t. She probably includes werewolves on student council and pixies on the PTA. There has to be some point at which we demand a more rigorous coherence from the authors whom our nation’s children are reading. ‘ ‘ ‘ Furthermore, the vocally Mormon Meyer surely writes like C.S. Lewis without the Protestant Christian apologia that makes his work true and endearing. When not aping Narnia, I have no doubts that Meyer liberally borrows from ‘Harry Potter’ but drops all the Satan-touting witchcraft that adds gritty realism to Rowling’s work. If you are going to write fantasy, either take up the cross or burn it. Fancy religions just come off as insincere when underlying puberty and magic. ‘ ‘ ‘ Finally, I bet that ‘Twilight’ has clubfooted dialogue. When was the last time either vampires or teenagers ever had good lines in a novel? Meyer surely tries to sugarcoat this shortcoming with memorable quotes that read like, ‘We will be together like two fangs in the mouth of fate.’ Tweens will scramble to make computer backgrounds featuring such citations in red, scary script ‘mdash; probably accompanied by fan art ‘mdash; but it will not be enough to win me over. ‘Twilight’ is a bust. ‘ ‘ ‘ 2. ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’- A memoir from a centenarian who was wrongly imprisoned as an infant. What a fantastic premise for a novel. It’s like ‘Benjamin Button’ without wrinkly babies ‘mdash; read: It’s like ‘Benjamin Button’ but without everything that makes it interesting. ‘ ‘ ‘ The author of this book is Spanish, which means the book will be lusty. Since the entire novel takes place in jail and in confinement, this must be accomplished with uninspiring conjugal accounts. Still writing for the claustrophilic set, eh, Marquez? This is classic Gabe, substituting carnality for any real pith and choosing settings that completely undermine character development. ‘ ‘ ‘ However, all these sins could be forgiven if the book would have not had such a happy ending. Sorry for the spoilers, but, honestly, who would read this anyway? ‘ ‘ ‘ The main character, Jorge or something, is taken out of prison when he is thought to be dead. He is actually just sleeping. The 100-year-old Jorge then meets an attractive maid and commences a torrid affair. Playing it close to the chest, eh Marquez? ‘ ‘ ‘ 3. ‘Marley and Me’- No, I have not seen the movie yet. However, I am puzzled by the trailer. It seems to largely focus on a dog, a character that I do not believe was in the book. Additionally, the reggae legend of the title was nowhere to be seen. However, this isn’t a film review. On to the book. ‘ ‘ ‘ This entire review can be summed up in nine words: One of the best pieces of nonfiction ever written. Period. I gather that the author adopts Marley to get a sense of the responsibilities involved with raising a child. However, in the interest of avoiding the pains that traditional childbirth brings a nubile, young bride, the author champions taking in a stray man. There are more than a few jokes about the author’s real motivation being the preservation of his wife’s waistline, and I sinfully flew into a fit of laughter at each of them. ‘Adoption? You mean pre-emptive Slim-Fast,’ the author’s sidekick quips. ‘Marley and Me’ conjures the cheeky spirit of Wilde with the modernity of Mamet. ‘ ‘ ‘ What ensues is a light but surprisingly sincere, romp through parenting a very relaxed adult … who is nothing but trouble. It’s such a joy to see the author come out of his uptight shell as his newly adopted son shows him how to not worry and just be content with his lot in life. There are the traditional power struggles between husband and wife over their untraditional son ‘mdash; ‘He has to be punished, darling. I found one of my socks in his weed drawer”mdash; and delightful tales of the growing pains of a legend. ‘ ‘ ‘ From the very first page, the novel tightens its grip on your heartstrings and refuses to let go. By the time you reach the last chapter, ‘No Marley, Much Cry,’ I would be shocked if your copy of ‘Marley and Me’ was not soaked to the spine with tears. ‘Marley and Me’ is not just an American classic, it is international in its tour de force. Speculate at [email protected]