Pop quiz. One question. Pencils out, everything else away: 1. Who beat Iowa? A. Pitt B. Penn… Pop quiz. One question. Pencils out, everything else away: 1. Who beat Iowa? A. Pitt B. Penn State Class dismissed. Jokes, anyone? – LaVar Arrington said this to ESPN this week: ‘There are a lot of people who know the truth about what went down with me and the Redskins.’ Do you want to know the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! – Well, here it is anyway: Joe Gibbs ordered the Code Red. Shocking, I know. He normally orders the fish. – In related news, Arrington now owns a sports bar in Annapolis, Md. It is appropriately called ‘LaVar Arrington’s Sideline Sports Bar,’ making him a first-ballot lock for the Has-Been Hall of Fame. – Because I love a silky transition, let’s hit the Sports Movie Quote Trivia Question of the Day: ‘You’re not even a has-been. You’re a never-was.’ – Chilling. Oh, while we’re still on bad team chemistry, have you heard about the Browns players claiming some of their team members quit in their loss to the Broncos last week? One of two phenomena could be behind this. The first would be the players in question realized they play for the Browns and must live and work in Cleveland, and finally had enough. That’s understandable. Now, the other reason could be that they figured out they would lose that particular game and be subjected to an alarm-clock and beer-bottle shower afterward and just wanted to be able to plead ignorance in the face of a smashed, stumbling Browns fan wearing a crooked dog mask about to launch a clock radio at one of their heads. (‘Hey, man … it wasn’t my fault! I was in the locker room!) – Now, bear with me on this one. Go to Oprah.com (BEAR WITH ME!) and take the ‘Are Y’-‘ OK, forget it. – Mehmet Okur was excused from the Utah Jazz to handle a family issue back home in Turkey. Raul Mondesi, anyone? – If you think Penn State’s loss to Iowa was embarrassing, you have no idea. Google ‘Stanley Pringle.’ – … Did you do it? Hahaha, I know, right? I mean, books are exciting, but really, what a ‘jerk.’ I wonder how he even ‘pulled’ that off. Should have been ‘yanked’ off the roster, if you ask me. Well, maybe that would have been a little ‘stiff.’ – This week’s Heisman Trophy dark horse: Doug Beaumont ‘- the dude who botched like nine punts against Pitt last Saturday. Well, maybe not nine. Probably just a few. But still. He’s not winning the Heisman. – This week’s rankings … remember, anything goes (first place votes): 1. Stewie Griffin (1) ‘- You don’t mess with Rupert and get away with it. 2. Rick Astley ‘- Still never, ever, gonna give you up or let you down. 3. Karaoke ‘- And girls named Carrie Okie. They’re out there. Facebook them. Then on that little personal message thing that pops up, write ‘Hahaha … really?’ 4. Theme parties ‘- What happened to these? Am I the only one who enjoys them? I’ll throw one by myself. I sang karaoke to B*Witched in New York, so don’t think I won’t do this. 5. Other versions of Touchdown Jesus ‘mdash; Booth Review Jesus and First Down Jesus top the list. Also receiving votes: Anderson Cooper, Jay Cutler, Personal Foul Jesus, Pumpkin Pie, Johnny Drama. Dropped from the rankings: Fantasy football, discovering chocolate on your white shirt before making a speech in class and regretting eating that chocolate-covered energy bar because it wasn’t even that good and you still feel like you did before you ate it, spending Halloween in a cosmic bowling alley with suburban Toledo teenagers, Ray Rice. – Applied for graduation this week. Now, I wonder if I’ll get my diploma in a huge envelope with the Cathedral on the front and a big ‘Congratulations’ across the top. – Sports Movie Quote Trivia Answer of the Day: Jack Reilly to Gordon Bombay in ‘The Mighty Ducks.’ Harsh, but remember: It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big. – Am I the only one who thinks that Einstein’s gives you entirely too much cream cheese when you order a bagel? I mean, I’m not trying to gain eight pounds in cream cheese fat when I eat breakfast. Jeez. – Now excuse me, I have to return some video tapes. E-mail Pat at [email protected].