My fellow Americans, in an era where presidential campaigns kick off far too early for anybody’s… My fellow Americans, in an era where presidential campaigns kick off far too early for anybody’s liking, and at a time when our minds are tuned to the point of dullness on the topic of elections, the time is ripe. My friends, I submit myself humbly before you and ask for your support and votes as I attempt to take the White House in 2012. Some might call this brash, foolish and unconstitutional. My answer is that this country needs change, and we must be willing to put the arbitrary divide of age behind us. As to the Constitution: Though I worship the document and kiss the very limestone of the National Archives in which it is ensconced (though I cannot legally kiss the document itself), I recognize we must view it as a living, breathing document, more alive than certain members of the Supreme Court. This ‘vital essence’ of the Constitution is what allows us to survive as a republic by, among other things, allowing the federal government to save terminally ill cancer patients from the ravages of three months of medical marijuana use by creative reading of the interstate commerce clause. I believe I can be the catalyst of so much change that Obama will be a piker by comparison. I am an utter Washington outsider. My friends, I have only visited that cesspit of corruption, that Gomorrah of Government and Sodom of Scandal on three separate occasions. I don’t even have Sen. John Warner’s (R-Va.) autograph, not to mention Sen. Ted Stevens’ (R-Alaska). I don’t think I even use Rep. William Jefferson’s (D-La.) favored brand of freezer. I am not beholden to special interests, though I do hold general interests such as bowling. Some might say I have no experience. Nonsense. I was a community organizer, whatever that means. My community sure was organized, you bet. Unfortunately, in my hometown in the north suburbs of Chicago, it is impossible to see Russia and thereby build foreign policy credentials. But you can see Michigan, Wisconsin and Indiana from the Sears Tower. Does that count? My cabinet would be composed of only the best, brightest, most qualified individuals such as Jim Carrey as vice president, Steve Martin in the State Department, Chuck Norris in Defense and Fred Thompson in Justice. Many are bound to throw up their arms at this and say, ‘But Mark, those people are comedians.’ Exactly. I am merely following the precedent of the Clinton administration. Who can forget the standup routines of Madeline Albright on how Russia was a good friend of ours or Janet Reno’s running joke concerning Elian Gonzalez? Now, to outline my policies: Taxes: I firmly support the tax plan of the man who would become my Treasury Secretary, Dave Barry. Economy: I believe in economic regulation ‘mdash; an awful lot of it. In response to banks refusing to make stupid loans during this economic crisis, we must take steps to force these banks to make the same stupid loans that got us into this mess in the first place. Regulation is the answer. It worked brilliantly for the economies of Cuba, the Soviet Union and North Korea. Mindless faith in government. Isn’t that what America is all about? Judicial Philosophy: I will appoint strict constructionists who are constitutional humanists capable of adapting our Constitution to modern times. Think Antonin Scalia with strong overtones of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, followed by a racy hint of Anthony Kennedy and a smooth John Roberts finish. Abortion: Heh, heh. Let’s talk about something else. War on Terrorism: That’s better! I would begin my campaign against terrorism by ordering the arrest of that most dangerous Muslim, B. Hussein Obama. Other than that, I would be tough on terrorism. How tough? That’s classified. Guns: As a T-shirt wearer myself, I support the right to bare arms. As an environmentalist, I support the right to arm bears. In my ideal world, hunters, whom I dearly, dearly love, would be able to use guns to protect themselves from bears in the wilderness. However, city dwellers would not be able to use guns to protect themselves from gangs. After all, the gangs would not have guns if we were to ban them: We all know that the law-abiding citizenry that comprises these gangs would never think of committing a robbery or murder with an illegal weapon. My friends, I believe I can unify our divided nation, at least as well as the last two presidents promised to, in an administration where hope, change, diversity and compassion reign along with respect for rule of law, moral fiber and family values. And so, with the past behind us, the present facing us and the future yet to come, I urge you, vote Koz in 2012. Campaign donations will be accepted at [email protected]