‘ ‘ ‘ I’ve recently decided to purchase several thousand scapegoats. I figure this is a smart… ‘ ‘ ‘ I’ve recently decided to purchase several thousand scapegoats. I figure this is a smart investment. The buying price was low ‘mdash; just about half my soul ‘mdash; and the demand is way up, because scapegoats are so in right now. ‘ ‘ ‘ Scapegoats come in a lot of different shapes, sizes and colors. It’s important to have a variety in stock at all times, because you just never know who you might need to blame your own mistakes and problems on. I myself have all sorts, anything from T-Mobile to Hillman Library. I even have an O.J. Simpson scapegoat that often comes in handy during poker games. ‘ ‘ ‘ One of the keys to successful scapegoat usage is to always keep up with the latest scapegoat trends. This is very important because just like in fashion, food, music and art, if you don’t have the hippest scapegoat on the block, you probably won’t have any friends. ‘ ‘ ‘ For instance, what would have happened if after Wall Street collapsed you started looking through your scapegoats ‘mdash; as it is custom to do during unfortunate times ‘mdash; and realized that you only had the old Clinton model? Cripes! You forgot to upgrade to the new Bush 2000! ‘ ‘ ‘ Now everyone else is out and about town with their trendy Bush 2000s, complaining about deregulation and feeling mighty jolly about themselves, while you are busy talking about Clinton’s healthcare policies. Your face would be so red. ‘ ‘ ‘ To keep up with the trends, make sure you watch a lot of TV. People on television are always blaming someone for one thing or another. ‘ ‘ ‘ Right now, for example, political pundits are really into buying a new model of scapegoat known as the ‘Wasillanator.’ This recently discovered Alaskan scapegoat is known for its excessive winking and can always be identified by a raised dome of hair on the top its head, like the top of an ice cream cone. (Warning: This model of scapegoat is known to shoot other scapegoats with its hunting rifle. It is not advisable to store within 500 yards of your other scapegoats, or anything, actually). ‘ ‘ ‘ For the most part, Republicans have been bulk buying, but not using, Wasillanators, just in case it ever does something really crazy (there have been concerns that the overuse of hairspray in the model has been causing her system to malfunction, thus inhibiting the memory center of her brain, specifically the part used to recall Supreme Court cases). However, several of these pundits have already begun to use Wasillanators, blaming Palin for McCain’s recent dip in the polls. ‘ ‘ ‘ As for Democrats, they much prefer the Iraq War. Unlike the Wasillanators, the Iraq War scapegoat is in constant use. Whether it be global warming, the state of our economy, foreign relations, cell phone reception or rainy weather, Democrats will find a way to blame any problem on the Iraq War. ‘ ‘ ‘ This is where they get the phrase, ‘beating a dead goat with a stick.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ While we can’t be certain, it’s speculated that Democrats in Congress bought a surplus of Iraq War scapegoats and ‘mdash; never wanting to waste tax payers’ money ‘mdash; are desperately trying to use them all up in any way they can, because, frankly, Democrats are anxious to blame things on Sarah Palin, too. ‘ ‘ ‘ Scapegoats are also popular in the international market, where ‘mdash; just like in the meat industry ‘mdash; the most popular scapegoat is the largest and fattest one around: the United States, naturally. ‘ ‘ ‘ It’s also noteworthy to say that while many scapegoats come and go, there are some that just never go out of style. Florida is a great example. Most people I know have or have had a Florida scapegoat, cheeky little things. I myself prefer the Ohio scapegoat, because Ohio is pointless, and at least Florida has delicious oranges and Walt Disney World. ‘ ‘ ‘ Parents are another great timeless scapegoat. This is because, unlike Ohio, you know that your parents will always love you. ‘ ‘ ‘ So if you blame anything in your life ‘mdash; your grades, your bankruptcy, your cocaine addiction, etc. ‘mdash; on bad parenting, they will always forgive you, just like any good parent should. ‘ ‘ ‘ In the end, I would just recommend buying as many as possible. If you have no moral code, like me, the possibilities here are really endless. Need a scapegoat? I’ve got a bunch! E-mail Molly at [email protected] to negotiate a trade.