‘ ‘ ‘ Well guys, I’m a senior. Yup, you heard it: I’m officially one philosophy class away from… ‘ ‘ ‘ Well guys, I’m a senior. Yup, you heard it: I’m officially one philosophy class away from being an educated person. I don’t like to brag, but with the exception of the chancellor, the faculty, the staff, the graduate students, the football team, the basketball team and the fifth-year seniors, I’m pretty much the highest ranking guy between Fifth and Forbes. ‘ ‘ ‘ Despite a less-than-stellar economy ‘mdash; and being an economics major in the economy ‘mdash; the future is bright. I’m actually only staying at Pitt as a courtesy. I would probably be off making my millions if the administration hadn’t begged me to stay.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Most of you won’t be surprised to hear that I put Pitt’s well-being over my own. Many of you have come to know me over the years as the truly noble columnist, one who has sacrificed entire hours so that you could consume the hard-hitting journalism that you so very much enjoy. I understand that you are a little fearful of what you’ll do without me next year. ‘ ‘ ‘ But fear not: I’m writing my memoirs. ‘ ‘ ‘ For a yet-unnamed price, you can carry me around in your backpacks and read my musings during lectures or while you’re on the can. ‘ ‘ ‘ It’s a bold move for a 21-year-old, but I’m a bold kind of guy. No doubt, though, the cynics will argue that I really haven’t done anything noteworthy. I’ll concede that point. If you want to be technical about it, I haven’t accomplished much in the traditional sense. I somehow doubt that my impressive ability to watch an entire season of ‘The Secret Life of the American Teenager’ in one sitting counts as greatness, though it would no doubt make for interesting reading. I don’t care. You need your daily recommended serving of Ravi Pandit, and I’m going to make sure you have it when I’m gone. ‘ ‘ ‘ Theoretically, writing a book takes talent. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t think so. I’ve read some seriously stupid books in my time. Besides, we’re not even talking about books. We’re talking about memoirs, and that’s totally different. All I have to do is spit out inane details about my life, rewrite a few years and pretend I wasn’t rejected by every girl I asked to the prom, and make some vague predictions about how future Americans will interpret my life after I’m gone. It’s really not that hard. Just because the future technically hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean I can’t make guesses about it. There’s actually a word for it: It’s called ‘weatherman.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ All of my columns are archived online. Theoretically, I could have fans from far-flung places like Japan or Sweden or Lancaster County. Even in the ‘Burgh, you could always just Google my name, ignore the pages dedicated to the musician and highly decorated CEO that stole my good name, and read one of my columns whenever you need inspiration. ‘ ‘ ‘ But there’s something about the online experience ‘mdash; maybe it’s the fact that you can’t draw little hearts around my name or let your tears of longing for my presence flow freely onto the paper ‘mdash; that cheapens the written word. Seriously, I seem like a self-absorbed, talentless hack online. ‘ ‘ ‘ I’m shooting for the heavy leather-bound book option. It’ll last for decades, so you can feel confident passing it on to future generations as a family heirloom. Though surely any student of my philosophy will never lack money, anyone can use my memoir just as easily as collateral for purchasing a third car or vacation home. The benefits of purchasing ‘mdash; for a limited time only ‘mdash; ‘Pitt’s Champion: The Ravi Pandit Story’ are as versatile as your imagination. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ So it’s time to start writing. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to structure it all, but I’ll probably start at the beginning, fill in the middle parts and end at the present. I’ll probably illustrate it myself just because there are so very few artists that can accurately capture true beauty. Standard stuff. I think the real challenge will be finding an actor who will play me in the film adaptation. ‘ ‘ ‘ There are so many seniors who would spend their last year at Pitt drinking it away, skipping class, hanging out with friends and having social lives. Or maybe they’d be out being productive, interviewing, getting jobs and internships and getting married. But not this guy. ‘ ‘ ‘ I write about myself because I care about you. E-mail Ravi at [email protected] to bid for the publishing rights. Serious offers only.