‘ ‘ ‘ I’m tired of getting discriminated against for my age. Everywhere I go, all I hear is,… ‘ ‘ ‘ I’m tired of getting discriminated against for my age. Everywhere I go, all I hear is, ‘Your generation is so lazy,’ or, ‘Everyone your age is pale and fat because all you do is eat and play video games in your basement.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ These charges are everywhere: in newspapers, television, medical journals and, most notably, every other word out of my mother’s mouth. ‘ ‘ ‘ But amid these swirling accusations informing me that I am destined to a life of cream-filled snack cakes and Halo 2, I started to think that maybe something bigger was going on. Because something about all this wasn’t quite making sense. After all, how could we be the palest generation ever when we pretty much invented self-tanners? ‘ ‘ ‘ Finally I realized that it wasn’t about the pale skin, the exercise or even the videogames. It never was. That’s all just ammunition in an epic power struggle between two generations. Here’s what it’s really about: hippies-turned-CEOs who refuse to relinquish control. ‘ ‘ ‘ I speak, of course, about the Baby Boomers: the generation of babies born between 1946 and 1964, though these dates are sometimes disputed (all part of the Boomers’ ploy to widen their base, of course). Beginning in the ’60s, Boomer culture was, well, booming. This demographic credits itself with civil rates, feminism, gay rights and increased rates of literacy and higher education. ‘ ‘ ‘ But with great power and success comes a hunger for more power and success, and with the end of the ’70s in sight, the Boomers began to worry that their reign as the world’s movers and shakers was coming to a close. Generation X, babies born in the ’60s and ’70s, were entering the workforce, and the Boomers could not allow this new generation to be more accomplished or special than they were. Generation X had to be stopped at all costs (See: Sylar, ‘Heroes’). ‘ ‘ ‘ The Boomers quickly went to work spreading propaganda at alarming rates, planting seeds of doubt like a farmer carefully tending to his crops. Soon, no one wanted to hire Generation X. After all, Generation X was a bunch of slackers and rebellious hoodlums with bad attitudes. ‘ ‘ ‘ This quick work secured the Boomers control of businesses, schools, government and everything else through the ’80s, ’90s and up until present day. ‘ ‘ ‘ According to Forbes Magazine, Boomers currently make up one-third of the workforce, and they don’t plan on leaving any time soon. ‘ ‘ ‘ Though Boomers are now well into their 50s and 60s, they intend to remain in the employment sector for as long as possible. They even have books about it (See: Dr. Terry Grossman’s ‘The Baby Boomers’ Guide to Living Forever’). ‘ ‘ ‘ According to an AARP survey of Americans aged 45 and older, 65 percent said they would delay their retirement if the economy does not improve. ‘ ‘ ‘ Very clever, Boomers. Using the economic crisis as an excuse to keep your claws tightly secure into the employment sector. What if this whole stock market fiasco wasn’t an accident at all, but a ploy by the Boomers to maintain control of, well, everything? ‘ ‘ ‘ (Evidence: John Thain, CEO of Merrill Lynch ‘mdash; Baby Boomer. David Moffett, CEO of Freddie Mac ‘mdash; Baby Boomer. Richard Fuld, CEO of Lehman Brothers ‘mdash; Baby Boomer.) ‘ ‘ ‘ And herein lies the cause of all the attacks our food, technology, clothing, anything really. Generation X’s time might be over, but a new generation is entering the workforce: our generation, Generation Y. Therefore, the Boomers must begin propagating their vicious propaganda once again. ‘ ‘ ‘ With practice from the ’80s, the Boomers are more efficient than ever, utilizing not only newspapers and word-of-mouth techniques, but new technology and television as well. ‘ ‘ ‘ And let me just say, Boomers just can’t get enough of those damn 20/20 specials about childhood obesity. Because amid their fading posters of Woodstock and dusty editions of ‘On the Road,’ they can still think to themselves, ‘I may be old, but at least I’m not fat!’ ‘ ‘ ‘ The Boomers have even expanded onto the Internet. The Baby Boomer Headquarters, a Web site by Boomers for Boomers about how great it is to be a Boomer, boldly proclaims, ‘Folks, in 2008, the economy IS the Boomers! … There are 75 million of us, we ARE the economy.’ The authors of the Web site are careful to add, ‘That is not bragging, that is just a statistical reality,’ followed shortly by their list of 300 famous Boomers in a poorly formatted chart. ‘ ‘ ‘ Unfortunately, the Boomers’ evil schemes are working once again. ‘ ‘ ‘ A recent Jobfox.com poll found that 30 percent of job recruiters classified Generation Y as ‘generally poor performers.’ Of four generations examined in job performance, Generation Y was ranked the lowest, while the Baby Boomers received the highest ratings. ‘ ‘ ‘ Well, I’m not going to take it anymore. It’s time for a new generation to take charge. Cheap jokes at the expense of our Xboxes and Wiis won’t work anymore. ‘ ‘ ‘ Well, my mom doesn’t even know how to use her cell phone. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Plot with Molly against the Boomers at [email protected].