‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ No need for one of Nosferatu’s predictions ‘mdash; ‘Disaster Movie’ is a sure sign that… ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ No need for one of Nosferatu’s predictions ‘mdash; ‘Disaster Movie’ is a sure sign that the cinematic apocalypse is upon us. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ After a recent screening of this newest so-called film from the spoof-ruining masterminds Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, my hopes have never been lower, and the piece of my soul that previously enjoyed watching comedies has been forever tainted. ‘ ‘ ‘ Of course, from the makers of such comedy gems like ‘Date Movie,’ ‘Epic Movie’ and ‘Meet the Spartans,’ what else is to be expected? ‘ ‘ ‘ The sad thing is, however, ‘Disaster Movie’ makes its dreadful predecessors seem like enjoyable comedies by comparison. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Yes, it is that bad. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Saying that the movie has a plot would be like saying Britney Spears deserved a parenting award at her most gossip-worthy moments. ‘ ‘ ‘ If ‘Disaster Movie’ demeaned any one movie by using its overall structure, it would probably be ‘Cloverfield,’ but with horrifically rendered interlude lampoons of ‘High School Musical,’ ‘10,000 B.C.’ and a pitiful mocking of Amy Winehouse within the first 15 minutes, that might need confirmation. ‘ ‘ ‘ If that means going back within a mile of a theater playing this abhorrent monstrosity, then find another review, because it is not going to happen. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The supposed spoofs in the film run the gamut from what can probably be considered disaster movies, like ‘Cloverfield,’ and … well, maybe that’s it. ‘ ‘ ‘ But don’t let the title fool you into thinking you will receive a sharp and pointed skewering of only that genre. ‘ ‘ ‘ No, a ticket to this movie earns you jabs at recent hits such as ‘Juno’ and ‘Enchanted,’ as well as pokes at Miley Cyrus and the Sarah Silverman song, ‘I’m F**king Matt Damon.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ If you are trying to come up with even the most broad manner in which these jokes are coherently connected, just stop, because there is no coherence, and you don’t deserve to put more thought into this movie than the filmmakers did. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Don’t expect to see any recognizable stars, except maybe Carmen Electra for her calculated five minutes, 39 seconds of screen time. Kim Kardashian appears and tries to act, but like always, her ass gives a better performance than she herself ever will. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Why was this movie made? Friedberg and Selter’s spoofs are ridiculously cheap to make, and they must turn a healthy profit. ‘ ‘ ‘ The downside for the filmmakers is that they will have to live with the knowledge that they put forth such bile into the public sphere, and that will surely earn them a spot in movie hell when it is their time. As long as they keep making films like this, one can only pray it is too soon. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The title got it half right ‘mdash; calling this a movie is offensive to all other movies, but the disaster part is all too accurate.