Snake the drains

“Harry Potter” fans, rejoice. A five-and-a-half-foot-long snake has re-opened the Chamber Pot of Secrets in a San Diego office building. Stephanie Lacsa plunged the office toilet last Tuesday after she noticed the water level was higher than usual. A slippery surprise appeared, as a snake slithered up to greet the unbemused office worker. Someone should have told Little Johnny that flushing snakes isn’t quite like flushing your goldfish. 

In the ruff

Last week, a homeless Florida resident gave CVS workers everywhere a reason to demand a raise. Jeremiah Patterson, 22, walked into a CVS pharmacy and stripped down to the buff in the men’s room. Following his derobing, Patterson exited the restroom and proceeded to rummage through the dog beds until he picked one fit for his bare body. Officials found Patterson tired as a dog, asleep in the pet bed and receiving fur-tive glances from shoppers

Man of steel

Last Friday, the health of Illinois man Arthur Lampitt took a turn for the worst. He visited his local emergency room after experiencing pain in his right arm. Once there, doctors removed a turn signal lever that had been lodged in his arm since a car crash in 1953. Today, Lampitt looks forward to no longer setting off metal detectors. If he could turn back time, he would have had it removed sooner.

Pokey little puppy

There’s no doubt about it, Chris Shaw and Bradley Justice have a knitwit for a dog. On New Year’s Eve, Tutti, their Papillon, jumped onto the coffee table and landed on a pair of knitting needles, piercing her heart. Tutti went limp and stuck her tongue out, leading Shaw and Justice to believe that she “had expired,” they told WNCN. Luckily, the needle was small enough that minimal injuries were sustained, and Tutti stuck through it all.

Weeding out criminals

Florida man John Balmer was not dressed for success when he entered a local Kmart on Tuesday, wearing a T-shirt declaring, “WHO NEEDS DRUGS? No, seriously, I have drugs.” Noting an officer in the store, Balmer panicked and tried to hand off a bag of “green, leafy substance” to another customer. When the customer declined the bag, Balmer nonchalantly dropped it and paid for his items. Authorities detained him — and the “leafy substance,” which turned out to be marijuana and methamphetamine. He was arrested for one count of possession and two counts of absolute idiocracy.