Too much to talk about this week to dedicate half a column to one story. ‘ ‘ ‘ Guns up, let’s… Too much to talk about this week to dedicate half a column to one story. ‘ ‘ ‘ Guns up, let’s do this! – Russian high-jumper Ivan Ukhov was said to be drinking vodka and Red Bull during a meet in Switzerland last week, according to an Associated Press report. He didn’t clear either of the heights he jumped, but he did earn style points for not spilling. – Also, imagine the exchange between Ukhov and the other athletes when they approached him and asked him why he was boozing during competition: – Athlete: ‘Oh, what up Ive?’ – Ukhov: ‘ … Aaaaayyyy!’ – Athlete: ‘Are … are you drinking?’ – Ukhov: ‘Sure am. Why, aren’t you?’ – Athlete: ‘Nah, dude. I said I wasn’t drinking this meet.’ – Ukhov: ‘Come on … just have one.’ – Athlete: ‘ … Bah … all right, might as well.’ – That was actually just an exchange between two of my friends a few nights ago at the bar. – The LPGA recently rescinded its decision to require all of its players to speak English. In celebration of this, I am now going to speak strictly in the language of movie quotes. – Write that down. – Speaking of the LPGA (never said that before), Michelle Wie now has to go back and play in its qualifying tournaments to make it back on the tour. She’s 18, meaning after all this, she could still be the next Tiger. Or the next Sergio. – All those misleading weeks on the injury report, huh, Tom Brady? That probable foot injury is looking really nice right now, isn’t it? It’s the NFL’s own cautionary fable: The Boy Who Cried Wuss. And it couldn’t have happened to a humbler guy. Get used to the crutches, pal. Hope you never play again. – Shawne Merriman’s season is also over. So is my modeling career. If you don’t get it, look back a few weeks. – And who would have thought five years ago that Joey Flacco would be a first-round NFL Draft pick and would start as a rookie? Not me. Certainly not Walt Harris. – This week’s Heisman dark horse: Miami’s Robert Marve, who might want to try spelling his name Mavre. – T-Pain rode into the MTV Movie Awards on an elephant ‘- the only original thing he’s ever done. Actually, even the elephant’s sounds were all digitally enhanced. – Well, then it’s settled ‘- Cowboys and Steelers in the Super Bowl. Suddenly I’m 8 years old again. Here’s how it’ll go down: Steelers win 52-3. Tony Romo’s dimples get roughed up and he suddenly looks like the Joker. Jessica Simpson dumps him and starts dating Ben Roethlisberger. After Joe Simpson tries to get Big Ben to release a country Christmas album, Ben dumps her on the upper deck of Primanti’s while my friends and I are there mapping the pilot of our new reality series. Joe Simpson overhears. ‘The North Hills’ is born. – The Slovakian women’s hockey team beat Bulgaria, 82-0, in a pre-Olympic qualifying game. There’s only one jerk capable of running up a score like that. Thing is, I didn’t know Bill Belichick coached hockey or was Bulgarian. – Lance Armstrong says he’s back in the Tour de France next year. Coincidentally, the Tour de France suddenly exists again. – That said, there should be two stages of retirement for athletes ‘- a preliminary retirement, then a for-real, if-I-keep-playing-I’ll-break-a-hip retirement. Because the good ones are always bound to take it that far. E-mail Pat at [email protected].