‘ ‘ ‘ A letter to the people of the United States from Dr. Ron Paul: ‘ ‘ ‘ You’ve probably… ‘ ‘ ‘ A letter to the people of the United States from Dr. Ron Paul: ‘ ‘ ‘ You’ve probably heard what I stand for. ‘ ‘ ‘ Maybe one of those young folks on the street corners told you about me, or you heard about me on the World Wide Web. Well just in case you haven’t heard, I stand for something we in these United States of America used to call freedom. ‘ ‘ ‘ From the polls, it looks like many people aren’t going to vote me president of these United States of America. I guess many people don’t support freedom, and they’re free to believe what they want. I’ve got one more trick up my sleeve, though, fellows. ‘ ‘ ‘ If I’m elected president of these United States, there will be a president from Pittsburgh. ‘ ‘ ‘ Pittsburghers love Pittsburgh to an eerie extent. The main way that Pittsburghers express that love is turning rusty things into art. But the other main way is telling people about famous people from Pittsburgh. For example, did you know Rachel Carson, August Wilson, Dan Marino, Jonas Salk, Anti-Flag and Andy Warhol are from Pittsburgh? Of course you did. You have been here for more than five minutes, so some booster-type probably named something after them right in front of you. ‘ ‘ ‘ I also love Pittsburgh, even though I’m not weird about it. And I’m going to do everything I can to support Pittsburgh through non-totalitarian means. ‘ ‘ ‘ One thing I’ll do is put Steelers stuff all over the White House. I’ll even make it kind of implicit that if you beat the Steelers, you hate the troops. Like, on days when the president talks about American heroes, I’ll always use metaphors like, ‘On D-Day, the troops hit Utah Beach like a wave of Pittsburgh Steelers plowing into the Eaglets or whatever you call those sissies.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Andrew Carnegie built all your libraries. That was private money. To continue that support, I’m going to put a book box in the White House for the Pittsburgh public library system. I’m going to get someone to watch the book box and tell me who’s putting books in it. ‘ ‘ ‘ Then, if some diplomat or tourist or lobbyist or head of state doesn’t put a book in it, I’m going to go up to them later and get them in conversation: ‘Yeah, so the book box has been a big success, right? But you know what? Some of these bastards aren’t putting any books in it. Can you believe it?’ It’s going to be really uncomfortable, really passive aggressive. I disagree with presidents robbing citizens via the IRS to buy public goods, but I plan to make everyone feel like a real jackass if they don’t pitch in. ‘ ‘ ‘ I hear a lot of the people around my old stomping grounds talking about free health care. I have a plan I call the Ron Paul Solution: free child birth for all Pittsburgh mothers. You might think it’s cocky to name my health plan after myself, but it makes a lot of sense when you consider that it’s just me delivering anyone’s baby that wants it, right there in the White House, by the book box. ‘ ‘ ‘ Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that delivering babies is one of the things I got pretty handy at when I did my residency in OB/GYN at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, which is right here in Pittsburgh, where you live and where I was born and raised and will be from when I am president. Of course there’s gonna be a big line for this service, but that’s government health care for you! ‘ ‘ ‘ I plan to dismantle Social Security. Pittsburgh is full of old folks, though, and I’m not throwing anyone out in the cold. People ask me how I will shore up Social Security for the people who are already dependent on the system or getting ready to retire. First, I’ll make a boatload of cash for the Trust Fund by setting FDR’s house on fire ‘mdash; I’d pay to see that! ‘ ‘ ‘ Second, we’ll raise the retirement age. A whopping 62 years old? Yeah right! Lemme tell you about some Pittsburgh heroes: ‘ ‘ ‘ Mr. Rogers was 74 years old when he quit making that adorable show over there in Shadyside. And you think he quit to retire? No sir. He went off the job and died of stomach cancer right then and there. ‘ ‘ ‘ Mario Lemieux is always jumping into the rink and playing hockey right when hope seems lost, and that boy is over 42 years old. That’s not as old as 62, but in hockey years it’s over 90. ‘ ‘ ‘ And of course, Dr. Ron Paul was about 72 years old when he started the Ron Paul Revolution and stole America’s heart and its presidency. ‘ ‘ ‘ Sometimes Lewis likes to pretend he’s Ron Paul and write letters on his behalf. E-mail Lewis at [email protected].