The following is completely fictional and is not to be taken seriously.

Pirates president… The following is completely fictional and is not to be taken seriously.

Pirates president Frank Coonelly flicks on the lights of a cold, cinder block office in the bowels of PNC Park. He and general manager Neal Huntingdon look around the room and cringe at the carnage. On the wall, individually framed, are portraits of Pirates’ former first-round draft picks