Moving into the dorms for the first time carries plenty of stresses. Did I bring everything I… Moving into the dorms for the first time carries plenty of stresses. Did I bring everything I need? Will my RA be a tool? Will I get a foot fungus from the communal bathrooms?

Is someone going to draw male anatomy on my dry erase board?

The answers, respectively, are no, maybe, probably not and yes. But I don’t want to discuss the petty worries of dorm life. The most important thing to learn from freshman dorms is whether or not your roommate is just a roommate or is a friend.

Believe it or not, it can often be difficult to determine whether to introduce a roommate as “my roommate” or “my friend.” Thankfully, I have compiled the criterion on which to judge this. Just by asking myself questions, I can conclude whether or not a person would be a good roommate or a good friend.

At some point in the summer, students receive a housing letter that contains the name of their future roommate. A quick visit to Facebook can help in getting a sense of the person. Is my roommate a member of every group to which he has been invited? That means he is a follower. What does her profile picture look like? Is it with friends or did she take it alone in her bedroom in front of a mirror?

My first profile picture was of me dressed as Jesus. It was a Halloween costume. I imagine that my roommate got pretty excited about this since my name is Joshua, which in Aramaic is Jeshua, which was Jesus’ name. There would probably be many perks to being roommates with Jesus. I wouldn’t know. You’d have to ask my roommate.

Does my roommate have a lot of pictures of people from home set up on his side of the room? If so, this means the person has many friends and enjoys showing this to people. There is nothing wrong with that. If the eyes are scratched out of the photographs, there is probably something wrong.

Does my roommate spend most of his time playing World of Warcraft or Unreal Tournament? If so, he is a great roommate. He is quiet, non-confrontational and almost a level 50. This person will surely be a good roommate unless I’m trying to bring biddies back to my room. If he leaves, then he is also a good friend.

Does my roommate have a nickname he received in prison? Something like Hobbit or Bulldozer or Jackrabbit? Is Jackrabbit giving people tattoos in my computer chair? Does Jackrabbit not technically live in my room according to Panther Central? If so, then I know this person will make a great friend but probably an unreliable roommate.

What does my roommate smell like? This will determine both the quality of his friendship and roommateship. I don’t mean simply if he smells good or not. Specifically, what does he smell like? Cinnamon? Eggs? Cough medicine? It may be hard to tell sometimes, so wait until he is asleep and sneak over to his side of the room. Give him a nice long sniff. If the smell is pleasing, it will be a beautiful relationship.

Does my roommate try to smell me while I’m sleeping? This happens more often than one might think, so be prepared – just like that song that Scar sings in “The Lion King.”

Somewhere between 3,000 and 4,000 freshmen students come to Pitt each year. All of the students who live in the dormitories are anxious about what kind of roommates they will receive. It’s a bit like an arranged marriage. A bit. It’s mostly not like an arranged marriage. But a roommate is either the easiest person to become friends with or the easiest person to loathe. What they say about relationships is also true about roommate pairing: Opposites attract.

A funny person needs a roommate who thinks a lot of things are funny. A loud, talkative roommate needs a quiet, good listener. A person who takes a long time to do things needs a patient, understanding roommate. A person who listens to a lot of country music needs his own room.

Unfortunately, it comes down to the luck of the draw. Even the housing surveys that ask questions about different tastes cannot match two people perfectly. The dorms are haunted with housing horror tales about roommate matches that just didn’t make sense. “I thought I wrote that I don’t like jazz,” someone once told me. “But my roommate thinks he’s Duke Ellington.”

The questions I ask myself in this piece can only help so much. The most important piece of advice is this: Keep an open mind.

And the sniffing. You really have to sniff your roommate.

E-mail Josh at [email protected] with your housing horror tales.