Recently, I’ve begun to realize that maybe I take an overly negative stance on our society’s… Recently, I’ve begun to realize that maybe I take an overly negative stance on our society’s future. Maybe it’s not hopeless to believe that one day we may pull ourselves out of this hole of paparazzi, reality shows and product placement. Maybe future generations will be able to put down the energy drinks and porn magazines long enough to make a difference in the world. Maybe everything will be all right.

Maybe not.

I was more than willing to give the future a chance. I was all ready to make myself believe that though we are a society so lusting after technology we don’t even know how to communicate with each other any more, we could still possibly right the ship and sail on toward prosperity. But this all came crashing down when I found out that a New Zealand elementary school, under the influence of the country’s Ministry of Education, is banning birthday cakes.

Reuters has reported that Oteha Valley primary school has banned children from bringing in cakes on their birthdays. Amid the backdrop of a federal campaign to curb childhood obesity, the school sent out a formal notice telling parents not to send their children to school with cakes. According to the principal of the school, there are quite a few birthdays in September and October, leading to the children eating cake around four times a week during those months.

This banning of a dangerous substance from young children would be fine, except for the fact that birthday cake is the happiest thing in the entire world. Honestly, what makes people happier that birthday cake? It can be decorated frosting, filled with ice cream, even covered in chocolate. Without the age-old institution of birthday cake, all “Happy Birthday” means is “Well, you’re one more year closer to the end.”

I don’t know about you guys, but birthday cake was always a big deal during my childhood. Who got to cut the first piece? Who got to lick the frosting off of the candles? Who got to eat the big, sugary clump of deliciousness in the corner? Who got the biggest piece? Who smudged the decorative icing? Who snuck into the kitchen before we sang the song and swiped a piece of cake off the edge? I once got into a fight with my best friend’s mom over her protectiveness of a clown made out of frosting. Instead of letting me eat it, not even the tiniest bit, she saved it in her freezer for months. And yes, I’m still bitter about that clown.

I don’t know a single person who doesn’t like birthday cake. If you’re not hungry after reading the last few paragraphs, then you’re lying to yourself. But, there will be plenty of New Zealand children who will never experience the joy of birthday cake. They’ll never understand what it’s like to bring a batch of cupcakes into class and make every single person in the room incredibly happy.

But, believe it or not, New Zealand is not at the forefront of this current fad of ruining childhood. America is just as bad. In lots of schools throughout what was supposed to be our free country, gym classes are not allowed to play dodgeball anymore. Dodgeball, if any of you didn’t know, is like the birthday cake of physical activities. You get to run around, throw inflated balls at your friends and make life-long memories. But some overprotective adults believe that the game is too exclusive, that it hurts the feelings of the less athletically gifted children.

That’s ridiculous. It may be hard to believe, but back in elementary school, I wasn’t exactly the finely tuned physical specimen that I am today. I was chubby. I was slow. But I loved dodgeball. Who wouldn’t? It’s the simplest sport ever invented, and quite possibly the most fun. Sure, the more athletic kids usually won, but I was OK with that. I, more often than not, did better than them on the math tests. That’s pretty much how the world works. You win some. You lose some. And you shouldn’t have to worry about the self-esteems of third graders.

This isn’t just about birthday cake and dodgeball. It’s about childhood. Childhood is the most important time in any person’s life. It shapes people into the adults they eventually become. But how are we supposed to raise a new generation of leaders, thinkers and artists if we don’t let them have a childhood? Do you realize that the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street isn’t allowed to eat cookies anymore? When did letting children be children become such a bad thing? Have you ever seen a chubby kid that wasn’t happy? I don’t think so.

Today’s children, obviously, are tomorrow’s adults. We need them to grow into normal, functioning citizens if there is any hope for our deteriorating civilization to survive. So, let them be kids. Let them learn how to lose at dodgeball. And, quoting some dead French lady, “Let them eat cake.”

E-mail Sam at [email protected], because he’s done after next week.