I learned four new words this week. I found three of them on Dictionary.com when I was… I learned four new words this week. I found three of them on Dictionary.com when I was cheating at Scrabulous, and I learned the fourth in a conversation I had with a friend of mine. He’s a philosophy major who loves Mike Huckabee and hates liberal conspiracy theories. Most of the conversation went like this:

My friend: Hey, Cassidy, would you consider endorsing a McCain-Huckabee ticket?

Me: Absolutely not.

MF: But I think Huckabee’s stance on global warming is most closely aligned with my own. You see, he doesn’t think that our petroleum consumption is a problem, and I don’t believe in global warming.

Me: How can you not believe in global warming? Didn’t you see that PBS documentary about the polar and grizzly bears that are going to have to fight because the icecaps are all melting?

MF: Well, don’t you know about the Quantum Theory of Global Warming Measurement, which says that the polar icecaps are only melting because scientists keep taking this evidence? Quantum Theory has taught scientists about the importance of the observer in the collection of any scientific data. These results can be carried over, mutatis mutandis, to the current issue of global warming. Thus, a polar icecap will behave like it’s melting when an observer is watching and vice versa – when there is no observer, a melting icecap will stop melting. If we truly want to stop global warming, the best solution is to stop studying the effects of global warming. If we ignore the polar icecaps, they will stop melting and global warming will no longer be a reality.

Me: Uh, what?

There’s a lot to talk about from just this little conversation. First of all, my new word: mutatis mutandis, which is actually two words, but it’s one of those Latin phrases that, like this great nation, can’t stand divided. It literally translates to “with those things having been changed that need to be changed.” So much from just two little words! Sometimes Latin can be so crafty I have to chuckle.

The meat of this conversation is really the theory itself. I’ll admit, when I first heard this theory, I said to my friend, “You need to get your head outta that metaphysics.”

Because it’s a silly theory.

But it’s also a cloying and persistent theory. And I keep thinking about it. It’s like that whole “does a tree falling in the forest make a noise” quandary. It makes you wonder what role perception plays in reality, how differently things exist if you change the way you interact with them. How you perceive a situation defines the situation.

So that leads me to apologize to the College Republicans.

OK, no, I know. I am making no sense at all right now, but trust me: It’s all going to come together. It always does.

Right. So one of my best friends is a pretty big Democrat, which is why it seemed funny to me to sign up for the College Republicans’ mailing list while she and I were at the activities fair last fall. I am a registered Democrat, although I’ve never voted purely on party lines, and I’m still unsure whom I’ll support this November. I am unabashedly socially liberal and pretty leftist on most other issues, and most people who know me know that. So registering for the mailing list was arbitrary and remained so, until late last semester when I received an e-mail about a planned protest of Cindy Sheehan’s visit to Pitt.

I have this thing about protests: I don’t like them. They make me inexplicably sad. I guess this is because a protest is not a call for open discussion or debate but rather a sign of frustration and partisanship, a last measure almost.

Anyway, I decided that as a member of the College Republicans’ mailing list, I should throw my two cents in to the reply-all e-mail chain discussion that was forming. I suggested a debate or a forum, rather than a protest. I said it would show maturity. I also might have identified myself as a Republican.

I was exposed. I was labeled a fraud. And for good reason: I was a fraud. The thing is, though, before I was ousted, the College Republicans saw me as a Republican. In their reality, I actually was a Republican. In my reality, I was just immature. But if they hadn’t measured my political icecaps, I totally would have been a Republican forever. I was defined by their perception of me, even if it was incorrect. So sorry, College Republicans, for presenting you with a deceptive reality.

See, we got there. Metaphysics applies to real life.

Speaking of Republicans, let’s talk about the first bit of this conversation, encouraging me to support a McCain-Huckabee ticket this November. I will not be supporting a McCain-Huckabee ticket this November or any November, if only because when in college, Mike Huckabee used to eat squirrel that he cooked in a popcorn popper. Mike Huckabee was that guy in college, the guy who makes your whole dorm floor smell like burnt popcorn, except worse because it’s actually squirrel. Squirrel.

The number one way to eat a Reese’s is when it’s free! Also, Cassidy apologizes for her incoherence – she was watching a polar-bear documentary on PBS. E-mail your complaints to [email protected].