It’s 2015, and it’s time to realize that the only political party you should affiliate with is represented by a blue donkey. That’s right, it’s time to lean to the left.

Below is a list of seven comprehensive reasons why you should do the intelligent thing and identify as a liberal.

1. All the cool kids are doing it, and the only reason to do anything is to seem cool. And, coincidentally, the majority of celebrities who the cool kids emulate are liberal. Among the liberally inclined are George Clooney, Eminem and Hugh Hefner. After all, the movie stars, rappers and playboys of the world are well-equipped to dispense political advice. While, admittedly, they are not all experts in law, foreign policy or domestic policy, making it big in Hollywood is equivalent to years of knowledge and practical application. For example, not many policy experts have the street cred of growing up on the mean streets of Detroit, and we all know the wealth of worldly experience and entrepreneurism that Hugh Hefner brings to the table. In short, being liberal is being cool.

2. It makes you special.  In a 2013 Gallup poll, 23 percent of Americans identified as liberal compared to 38 percent identifying as conservatives and 34 percent as moderate. Although some would say this suggests that being liberal is more of a fringe movement, it actually shows how the majority of Americans don’t know what is best for them. Quite clearly, being liberal is not something everyone can do and is a step back from the overdone. It simply takes a transcendental understanding that is not as widespread as the more ordinary “common sense.” If you become a liberal you will show that you, too, possess this most sought-after quality.

3. It makes you seem more humane. Liberals are known for the defense of the lesser privileged. If you become a liberal, you, too, will be known for your concern for the needy. You may even doom the aforementioned impoverished to an endless cycle of reliance on welfare. A recent study done by the Cato Institute indicated that because welfare benefits often exceeded the take home pay of a minimum wage job, it might discourage people from working. But hey, at least you will feel humane. Even if giving money to the poor does indeed discourage them from working, a substandard life of living off the government is better than no life at all. Bottom line, saying you are liberal is a lot easier than making sure you actually help the poor.   

4. It will fix your sense of fairness. Many people in America assume that we are all born with equal opportunities. In actuality, we are not. 15.1 percent of people in America lived under the poverty line in 2010. Poverty has many negative effects — according to a study on poverty and cognition, it can even impact the brain’s ability to think. Once you become liberal, you will realize this and attain the higher truth that being a minority is far worse. In fact, it is so bad that you will argue that minorities need special preference in college admissions, but the poor do not. Being liberal will enlighten you to see that while the poor need food stamps, middle- and upper-class minorities need help getting into college.

5. It will remove your jealousy of wealth. Liberals understand that jealousy is bad and there is nothing people covet more than wealth. Despite the top 40 percent of American wage earners paying 106 percent of the taxes, due to refundable tax credits, liberals know that the rich are not doing their fair share in alleviating jealousy. Becoming liberal solves the age-old problem of how to become as rich as your neighbor without having to work as hard. If you become liberal and advocate hard enough, eventually you will no longer envy the rich who — thanks to taxes — will earn only slightly more than you.   

6. You will fully appreciate the value of peace. Once you become liberal, you discover the little-known fact that war is bad. Not all war, just when the United States goes to war. In fact, you will realize that the United States going to war is the worst possible situation, worse than genocide, the use of chemical weapons or unprovoked aggression. This is because while wars cost the American taxpayer resources, genocide — which tends to happen in other countries — does not. As a liberal, you know that the best war to support is a short one with minimal involvement, like in Libya. Messes such as Syria, where the U.N. no longer estimates the death toll after reaching 100,000, require actual work and are simply not worth it. Unlike more ignorant conservatives, liberals know that human rights are only worth sacrifice within the borders of the United States. 

7. You are not a conservative. Everyone knows that being a conservative is the equivalent of being a backwards bigot. There might not be any hard evidence for this, but anyone with a brain just knows. In contrast, liberals are wonderfully perfect beings. 

Let me be clear: you should be liberal.   

Eli writes a biweekly satirical column for The Pitt News.

Write to Eli at [email protected].