I grew up in Birmingham, Ala. Ever since, I’ve preferred the soulful and dilapidated Southern… I grew up in Birmingham, Ala. Ever since, I’ve preferred the soulful and dilapidated Southern side of anything. South Oakland is no exception. It’s nothing to write home about, but after a semester, it will be your home. Today, I’ll mince the myths and tell you about the many merits of South Oakland!

Segregation. South Oakland suffered from segregation in the past, but today North Oakland has more segregation. All of South Oakland’s college kids go to the same school: Pitt. But in North Oakland, some kids have to attend a dismal little institute called Carnegie Mellon, blocks from anything awesome. There, they get useful technical training but miss out on the liberal learning it takes to get ahead in the world.

Cuisine. South Oakland is famous for delicious and greasy foods. During your visit, don’t forget to loosen that belt a few notches for one of our famous $5 pizzas at Antoon’s or Sorrento’s. Other South Oakland faves include Rice-A-Roni, Hamburger Helper, turkey bacon and Eggo Waffles.

Rude Police. Sadly, here is a legacy that has yet to fade. At Halloween, an officer gave me a citation for disorderly conduct. The whole time she kept asking all about what kind of fancy college I went to and whether the hens and dandies that went there were good at anything besides prancing at masquerades and festooning antique wardrobes. If you’re stopped, reply, “No, and not one of the lot of us can change a daggum tire, for Pete’s sake!” The officer wants this answer.

Distance. Everyone thinks South Oakland is far away. But it’s actually where all the action is. Wisely, Pitt’s forefathers founded Pitt’s capital on the boundary between North and South Oakland, on the Forbes-Fifth line. We’re no farther away than the Northerners, and we have less traffic.

Immigration. South Oakland is host to several vibrant immigrant communities. In recent years, vibrant Hispanics have been arriving across the border with Mexico. We also enjoy the company of vibrant Indians and vibrant Middle Easterners. It’s a melting pot of countless traditions side-by-vibrant-side!

Hospitality. South Oaklanders are famous for their hospitality. Walking the lazy streets on a steamy afternoon, don’t be frightened when locals call from their front porches. They just want to say, “Hello, ya’ll!” In the fall twilight, it’s easy to catch them lined up on busted old couches on peeling front porches, while crooning Neutral Milk Hotel and strumming acoustic guitars. North Oaklanders, on the other hand, don’t have porches, since they live in cramped apartments. They just want to bump into you and say, “I’m walkin’ here!” on their way to classes like Beguiling Poor Farmers 110.

Crunk Parties. Unlike the intellectual affairs you expect in North Oakland, South Oakland parties are “crunk.” That’s just their way of saying they get crazy and dance while drinking beers. South Oaklanders have to worry less about property damage, because their properties are always more damaged.

Pretty Girls. South Oakland is famous for its beautiful “belles,” as they are called every once in a while. Belles are renowned for their coquettish way of smiling at you from swinging chairs behind giant yellow fans and their coquettish way of grinding up on you like “all get-out!” when R. Kelly comes on. Expect pretty, American-sounding first names like Lizzie and Sarah in front of South Oakland regional surnames like Pozzuto and Krainski, as the belles’ parents want their daughters to fit in and marry beyond the charming-yet-impoverished homeland.

Famous Faces. Entering South Oakland, through the most unlikely entrance, you’ll pass a big friendly sign that reads, “Welcome to South Oakland, Childhood Home of Dan Marino and Andy Warhol.” Don’t get it confused, though – we are not home to The Dandy Warhols, although I hear Anti-Flag did cut their teeth here.

There you have it. I hope you enjoyed your trip through South Oakland. As South Oaklanders say, “Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?!” They always say that, just like that.

E-mail Lewis at [email protected].