Sister’s Chrismas Catechism Runs until Dec. 30 City Theatre Directed by Tony Ferrieri… Sister’s Chrismas Catechism Runs until Dec. 30 City Theatre Directed by Tony Ferrieri 412-431-2489

Tallying the number of Christmas light-reflecting, silver heads and Kathy Ireland shoulder bags in the room is generally not the highlight of a theatrical performance. Regrettably, that was the case at City Theatre’s production of “Sister’s Christmas Catechism: The Search for the Magi’s Gold.”

Kimberly Richards starred as Sister, a quick-witted, dogma-spitting Catholic nun who treated her audience like a classroom full of second-graders. Late-comers, gum-chewers and conversationalists were fined for their behavior, and all student responses had to be phrased as “Yes, Sister” or “No, Sister.” Sister started out class with a Christmas-oriented lesson plan. What’s the symbolism behind the candy cane? Red represents the “blood of martyrs” and white, “the purity of baby Jesus.” Topics also included Saint Nicholas’ bio, the sacred origins of poinsettias, and a step-by-step narrative of the Nativity, which Sister deemed crucial to the Catholics.

“You’ll notice this is not the case with other spinoff religions,” she alleged.

Audience members who answered questions correctly received prizes: Jesus stamps, whistles, “Happy Birthday Jesus” rulers, and a pop-culture-inspired grilled cheese sandwich with an image of Mary on it, to name a few.

“Student” audience members weren’t the only ones thinking gifts, though. Sister came well prepared with a nun-specific wish list of her own “seasonal favorites” (one stipulation: clothing had to be black) in addition to some what-not-to-gets (suggestively-named perfumes topped the list). The comedy wrapped up with a staged nativity scene comprised of selected audience members and an investigation into the disappearance of the Magi’s gold.

Created by Maripat Donovan and in its third year of a Pittsburgh run, “Sister’s Christmas Catechism” functions more like dry stand-up comedy catered to middle-aged Catholic school alum than a stimulating theatrical endeavor.

More than 99 percent of audience members were over-the-hill, and less than halfway through the production it was more than apparent why. One-liners referenced Jackie Kennedy and Richard Burton – younger viewers probably missed – and the audience member chosen to play Joseph wore bifocals and required assistance to and from the stage.

Not all was lost, though. I sat stiff-backed in my chair, worried that any sudden movement might attract “Sister’s” attention and subsequent harassment, while the cackling emanating from the rest of the room proved everyone else was practically asking for it. I was dreading my middle school memories while they were fantasizing about theirs. The jokes were a generation or two before my time, but for everyone else they were well received.

One plus: The set was flawless. Designed by City Theatre’s director of production and resident scenic designer Tony Ferrieri, the tiny wooden desks, green board and seasonal gold garland couldn’t even compete with the loads of other intricate details that transformed the theater mainstage into an authentic Catholicized second grade classroom.

Plastic lawn nativity figures of Joseph and Mary were front and center, a bulletin board displayed proud-to-be-an-American decor, and the room was lined with the standard school fare of a cursive alphabet border.

Religious paraphernalia, i.e. Virgin Mary busts, rosaries and crucifixes dominated bookcase shelves. Undoubtedly, though, the best parts were the snowflakes, hand cut from bright white computer paper and scattered throughout.

At the end of each performance and before “students” were dismissed, donations were collected for local retired nuns:

“After all,” “Sister” jokes, “we wouldn’t be Catholic if we didn’t have a collection!”

One thing is clear: This play is strictly for nostalgia-seeking adults looking for any excuse to leave the kids at home and have a G-rated romp on the town. If you’re under the age of 45 – college kids: Stick to Thirsty Thursdays and “America’s Next Top Model” marathons – and have zero background in Catholicism, most cracks will go right over your head. Otherwise, if the unremitting roar of laughter and three-year running span is any indication of quality, it’s a high one. And hey, you get a free candy cane out of it.

“Sister’s Christmas Catechism: The Search for the Magi’s Gold” plays at City Theatre in the South Side Tuesdays at 7 p.m., Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at 8 p.m., Saturdays at 2 p.m. and 5:30 p.m., and Sundays at 2 p.m. It runs until Dec. 30.