As I’ve mentioned in entirely too many columns, I don’t have an iPod.

A new development in… As I’ve mentioned in entirely too many columns, I don’t have an iPod.

A new development in this ongoing saga is that I now don’t have a computer because it went, not-so-recently (ask my roommate, whose computer I use as soon as he falls asleep) into a permanent hibernation, taking with it my 16,000 plus songs into the murky depths of computer hell.

This column, though, isn’t about my iPod or my computer or my penchant for b*tching about my lack of both. This column is about the gym. You see, one of the prime places my iPod and I used to hang out was the gym – I had several play lists with all the tunes to which I loved to get sweaty and “do some abs.”

But now, without any way of listening to music while at the gym, be it the Pete or, more recently, Trees Hall, I’ve turned my focus outward, trying to figure out what it is that people listen to while working out and why. Creepy? Maybe. But it sure beats listening to dudes grunt while lifting metal weights heavier than my entire family sitting in our minivan.

There are a few types of music listeners who attend the gym, and in my many visits this year I’ve attempted to profile several of them. If you fit into any of these categories, then thank you for the inspiration. If you don’t and are totally offended by my stereotyping, then I’m sorry. Do some more pull-ups and work out your frustration.

The first, and most prevalent music listener to be found in any gym is the Big Dude. He has a T-shirt without sleeves, which he himself cut off one day, realizing that the size of his arms prevented him from ever again wearing normal clothing. It was a great day.

The veins in his shoulders and biceps look like a road map of Pittsburgh, so Big Dude never gets lost. The ladies are always impressed. Big Dude has an iPod in a case attached to the waistline of his gym shorts, and the wire of the headphones is kept under his shirt to avoid it getting wrapped up in a free weight.

Big Dude likes Disturbed. He really likes Disturbed. He is “down with the sickness,” to quote his favorite Disturbed song. Big Dude also tends to listen to Chevelle, Staind’s first two albums, Godsmack and a few choice selections from Slipknot, for when he is feeling especially dark.

This music is fast and the guitars are chunky, without too many distracting guitar solos. This type of rock appeals to Big Dude because it is big in every way – big drums, big choruses and big, deep vocals. Big music equals Big Dude getting bigger. Big Dude may also include a few tunes he got from his buddy by Taking Back Sunday or Thursday because they help him pump iron and because they are on the harder side of this so-called ’emo’ music. After all, Big Dude has feelings, too.

Next comes Girl on Elliptical. Though she may be seen curling some free weights or working her abs on one of those big, rubber balls, she is most likely sweating on the elliptical (a half treadmill, half stationary bike type deal) and reading a magazine.

She is wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt, and she is listening to Fall Out Boy. In fact, if the magazine she is reading isn’t National Geographic or Newsweek (and it probably isn’t), then she’s actually reading about Fall Out Boy, too. She is a big fan of these pseudo-underground bands that are, in truth, everything but. These bands include The Killers, Panic! At the Disco and The All-American Rejects.

Girl On Elliptical also favors lots-of-singles artists. That is, bands or musicians who put out good singles that Girls on Ellipticals download without ever listening to the whole album. Said artists include Fergie, Gwen Stefani and Chris Brown. All in all, Girl On Elliptical just wants to read about celebrities, her homework or beauty products and get a good workout. Can’t hate on that.

Next is Indie Kid Gettin’ Big. Spot him with hair somewhat awkwardly combed to the side, a vintage T-shirt and sneakers that are not Nike, Reebok or Adidas. They are probably Puma.

Indie Kid Gettin’ Big has a broad expanse of bands in his musical vocabulary, and he will fall into one or more of the following categories when it comes to his choice for the gym: Indie dance music with a driving beat (The Rapture, The Faint), post-hardcore with a driving beat (At the Drive-In, Every Time I Die, Refused) or indie-rap with a weird beat (Aesop Rock, Atmosphere).

Indie Kid Gettin’ Big likes to work out at the gym, but he can’t conform to what everyone else is listening to. He’s got the best taste of the guys doing pushups, and he knows it. This skinny dude lifts to the beat of his own drum.

College Boy on his Big Day Out comes next. CBOHBDO rarely comes to the gym, but today he felt like he needed to break a sweat. He isn’t dressed like most – he’s wearing jeans – but his music could get anyone moving. He’s listening to techno. He’s looking at that dumbbell like he might just pick it up, but then he sees the machines over yonder and recognizes his lessened chance of getting hurt. But wait! All the machines are in use! Should’ve just stayed in the dorm and had himself a rave.

The last gym-listener type includes everyone else – I shall call these individuals Everyone Else. Everyone Else resists these stereotypes, and, therefore, makes it nearly impossible for me to figure out what he is listening to. Good job, Everyone Else, you’ve eluded me this time.

So what category do I fall into? Well, my own, I suppose. Because without any headphones in my ears, the closest type I’d qualify as is Kid Awkwardly Close to Others, Trying to Hear Their iPods. And for that, I apologize. My research is complete, so I’ll back off.