Dirty money

On Tuesday, a California man discovered what it meant to get trashed. While sifting through a garbage bin in hopes of finding his lost wallet, the man was scooped up by a waste truck and taken on an hour-long ride to a landfill. He survived, though a bit trucked up, and is currently being treated at UC Davis Medical Center for severe back and neck pain. 

Death by chocolate

A New Hampshire animal expert is calling for the elimination of baiting practices that he can no longer bear. Last September, four bears died after eating 90 pounds of chocolate and doughnuts that a hunter left to lure the giants. Theobromine, the toxic ingredient in chocolate, brought the bears to their bittersweet end. It was revealed at the scene that the cocoa culprit was Bear-ardelli ­— and it wasn’t a beary sweet surprise.

Paste in haste

On Wednesday, staff at the Egyptian Museum in Cairo made a royal mistake. King Tutankhamun’s 3,300-year-old death mask was ruined when a member of the cleaning staff knocked a chunk of his blue and gold beard off. Since other methods of repairing the mask would be a pain in the Tut, they opted to use glue. Tut, Tut, experts at the museum were furious. When asked for comment, the staff member in question said they have been experiencing great de-Nile.

Highway to cholestor-hell

Frying down the highway, Georgia man Madison Turner learned a lard lesson. Turner ordered a Double Quarter Pounder from a local McDonald’s and proceeded to eat it while driving. After two miles, he was apprehended by police. Turner was cited for “eating while driving” under Georgia’s distracted driving law. Police asked whether Turner had any fries with that, and he did. The two shared a greasy treat, and there is currently no beef between them. 

Gator grubs on gatos

Last week, investi-gators found an eight-foot reptile being kept in a local home. The alligator was found in a box with two cat carcasses. It is suspected that the 40-year-old gator has been scaling California homes for these purr-fect treats for quite some time now. The owners would not tail authorities if this was true or not. It is pawsible that Los Angeles Animal Services Commander Mark Salazar-Slytherin used Parseltongue to locate the reptile.