In the deepest, darkest corner of the Earth – yes, I am talking about the Midwest – there… In the deepest, darkest corner of the Earth – yes, I am talking about the Midwest – there lies a force so sinister, so menacing that it makes Lord Voldemort look like your Grandma Patty.

Nearly every national problem we have, from obesity to global warming, can be blamed on the true number one national security threat: cows.

Yes, it’s true, the cow population is the reason that our polar ice caps are melting, thus causing extreme weather patterns, floods, hurricanes, monsoons, destruction of multiple rainforests, extinction of other much cuter species of animals – all part of the cows’ nefarious plan – and of course, a rise in the crime rate.

I don’t know if you knew this, but apparently hot weather causes more violence. This is why cows love to graze outside in the summer so much, swatting their tails in excitement. They have a prime view of their destruction at work.

You see, it’s neither our country’s lax laws on greenhouse gas emissions nor our unregulated business sector – which pumps gallons upon gallons of emissions into our atmosphere daily without consequence – that create these problems.

It’s the cows that shamelessly eat away at our oxygen-rich greenery and then, according to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, release nearly 30 percent of global methane emissions