Every four years or so, Americans are faced with a most important decision. The collective… Every four years or so, Americans are faced with a most important decision. The collective choice of everyone in the country will decide the fate of our great nation for the next four to eight years. We choose the policy maker – the decider, if you will – who will lead our country into the future. Sometimes we see wars, sometimes we see scandals, and sometimes, we see changes that mark a new age of equality for our fellow man.

But choosing a president requires a great deal of thought. I mean, it would be foolish to simply walk into the voting booth and elect someone of your registered party, right? So we watch as the candidates stand behind their podiums and outline their policies, trying to win our hearts.

I’ve had a difficult time determining for myself just who the best choice is. Every candidate has something great to say. From Joe Biden’s famous description of a “clean” Barack Obama to Mitt Romney’s “Gosh, I love America” speech at the MSNBC debate, we have a cornucopia of people who could make great presidents. I mean, take Rudy Giuliani for example. He was in New York City on Sept. 11, 2001. That’s good enough for me.

Ultimately, I have decided to choose a candidate on whom I think we can all agree. He is a shining beacon of hope, like a lighthouse in a dark and stormy sea. I believe that he will pave the way for the future and paint a new image of America all around the world. I am formally announcing that I will be voting for Old White Guy for president.

Old White Guy has a tough stance on foreign policy. He realizes that our mission is not complete until every terrorist is holding a Big Mac and worshiping Jesus.

Old White Guy is pro-life. He refuses to allow the godless women in this country to get pregnant just for the sake of having an abortion. Old White Guy will never allow people in a consistent vegetative state to die. He realizes that all life is sacred. Except for people on death row and in the military. They don’t count.

Old White Guy promises to protect the sanctity of marriage. He realizes that for the 50 percent of male-female couples who actually stay together, the things that same-sex couples do behind closed doors, in private, undermine the beauty of marriage.

Similarly, Old White Guy will not rest until all orphaned and abused children have been adopted by nice, loving, traditional families. After all, the family is the foundation of this country, and he’ll be damned if a child without anyone to love him is adopted by some