Gosh, I feel sorry for you guys. Sure, you are squinting at the dawn of a whole new day and… Gosh, I feel sorry for you guys. Sure, you are squinting at the dawn of a whole new day and stuff. You have your first frat party, then your first realization that frat parties are kind of lame unless themed. Oh, and you get to eat dining hall food and do college homework – which is like previous homework except that it uses the word “discourse” in English classes and some extra science-y word for those who get swallowed by those majors. In fact, you might as well pretend you never met that science or engineering major on your floor, because you’re never going to see him again.

Moving on, you, new student, have many new experiences to encounter: Along with great power comes great responsibilities – power in this case is starting college. I guess I have “Spide-Man 3” on the brain. Oh yeah, make sure to use that high speed Internet to procure some pop culture references if you don’t stock up on some this summer; otherwise you’re not going to make cool friends who aren’t your roommates, ever.

Speaking of your room – we’ll get to those responsibilities – you’re never going to look at a comedy or drama in a college setting the same way after you move in. Unless you’re exceedingly lucky – often referred to as a jerk – your first room is going to be about the size of a giant-but-still-tiny-in-regard-to-room-dimensions pie slice. After two twin beds, your computers, that guitar that will never see the outside of its case and your roommate’s guitar that won’t see the outside of that padded gig bag, you’ll be hard-pressed to throw that room-warming party with a guest list of more than two.

God, I’m procrastinating. I keep meaning to tell you guys something you’re going to need to remember. Oh yeah. Remember how you never skipped class during high school? Yeah, they called your parents and it was a pain; that’s not going to happen at Pitt. I mean, that’s how movies like “Road Trip” can happen; no one checks up on you. That reminds me, if you are a “jerk,” the kid on your floor who has a car is not lame or, in the event that he is, is your roommate.

But I’m digressing again – come on, Arun, focus! Where was I, let’s see frat parties, friendship, pie-slices, skipping school, friendship with cars – oh right, skipping school. So you didn’t do it before, high school was a piece of cake, and here you are. And in the first days of college, it’s going to be beautiful in Pittsburgh – you native Pittsburgh students will realize that, to put it mildly, the weather is about to be totally miserable until March. So you’ll miss a few of those three-days-a-week intro classes in which you enjoy a safe anonymity because of the class size.

And then two weeks later you’ll be up late in front of your computer stressing out about the exam you didn’t hear about that’s tomorrow but you can’t stop reading web comic archives and your mom just called and sounded so proud of you. But here you are hours away from failure, busily cramming knowledge about pirate history into your head and the new, larger cans of Red Bull into your blood stream and