I don’t understand modern TV commercials. I rarely watch television, so I miss most of the… I don’t understand modern TV commercials. I rarely watch television, so I miss most of the funny or really memorable ones, but the relatively few that I do see confuse me more than they get me interested in any products, and even those only feature the product in a completely tangential or unrelated way.

For example, I was taking my lunch break at work a few days ago and a commercial came on for the Dow Chemical Company. However, had I not been curious enough to look up who made the commercial after watching it, I never would have known even that. The whole thing – a one-and-a-half minute block – was comprised of short clips of a variety of people enjoying nature: swimming, hiking, walking in the woods and so on. All the while, the announcer kept going on and on about the “Human Element,” which is, in the logic of the commercial, the missing element from the periodic table and the natural world. The commercial says that the human element improves things like metal, air and water so that it does more for – guess who! – humans.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong here, but I don’t remember seeing “Human” on any periodic table. However, there it is on the screen, “Hu.” (As a side note, apparently humans have replaced oxygen, because the commercial lists our atomic weight as 8. I guess we’re breathing each other now – an interesting thought for the next time you’re crammed in an elevator with 15 other people.) And regardless of the complete lack of any sort of sense from the commercial, it also doesn’t even act as an advertisement. The announcer never says “Dow” anywhere in the ad, and it’s only appearance is in the company logo, in the left hand corner, in the last five or so seconds of the spot.

Again, I might be incorrect, but I could have sworn that most advertisements were supposed to, I don’t know, advertise for something. But this commercial seemed to ignore that idea like Ann Coulter ignores rational arguments. Instead, it presented a variety of fluffy, meaningless imagery and voiceover in an effort to create some sort of impression on the viewer, such as Dow is not a completely impersonal and irresponsible mega-corporation that leaks toxic gases into the atmosphere and poisons people with pesticides (both of which it has done).

“Dow’s Human Element campaign is about reconnecting the company with the faces and values of the people Dow touches in a positive way,” said Toby Sachs, senior vice president/group management director at FCB Chicago in a press release on Dow’s website. I translated this statement from its original language, Corporate Bull, into plain English and found a much clearer meaning for what he said: “Nobody likes us, but we want to look friendly and not like a giant faceless corporation that poisons your water and kills your trees.”

As little sense as the TV ad campaign makes, the rest of the advertising program makes even less. I dug around on Dow’s website until I found the Human Element site, which is full of “stories” about how Dow helps people. One story started out by displaying this text: “Water is the most important chemical compound for the preservation and prosperity of human life. Yet, in spite of all the technological advances of modern society, more than 1 billion people lack adequate or healthy water supplies.” Following this heart-rending message, the video then segues into