If you’re the same type of sparkling new freshman that I was two years ago, there’s a good… If you’re the same type of sparkling new freshman that I was two years ago, there’s a good chance that you already have your goals set for the next four years. Among these I imagine you’ve got “get good grades” and “get parents to pick up dirty laundry.” But I also imagine that, given time, you’ll soon come to realize the true goal: eating for free.

The importance of food is undeniable. Beside the fact that it is essential for actual survival, a full belly is an asset no college student should be without. How can one expect to cram a semester’s worth of material into one all-nighter without proper sustenance? And how can one expect to argue his way out of an underage on an empty stomach?

What is often overlooked is the importance of food being free. Meal plans are great; they are a nice introduction to budgeting, and most of the time, they are at least partially paid for by a third party, i.e. parents. But eating on campus can become tiresome, so one must turn to other means of exploring the food pyramid. Off-campus dining, however, is an expensive habit. Even the half-price circuit gets costly. This is where those eating-for-free skills come in handy.

There are a few different methods for scoring complimentary grub on campus. The most effective is keeping a keen eye out for those campus organizations that offer refreshments and/or entrees to members or guests. Did you know that the phrase “Free Pizza” is the most commonly used in campus activity recruitment? That statistic is completely false, but if you venture around campus, especially toward the beginning of the year, you might actually believe it. Many organizations use free food as a plug for their general body meetings, recruitment sessions or special events. These organizations usually have a lot of fliers around campus, as well as a nice table at the activities fair including candy or free pens of some sort. Who knows, perhaps a food-fueled visit to one of these organization’s meetings will lead to an actual interest in the organization itself.

Campus organizations aren’t the only ones who host special events. Academic departments also feature opportunities for students to cash in on some no-cost cuisine. Lectures, presentations, degree defenses – all of these things provide students with a ticket to cookie and coffee heaven. And again, attending these events may have some extra benefits. Apart from rubbing elbows with some professors, you might actually learn something about the topic at hand.

I also recommend wandering aimlessly around campus – it is a good way to spy any unadvertised free-food bonanzas. Hop on that elevator that goes to every floor in the Cathedral and push all the buttons. Who cares if all of your ride-along companions shoot you dirty looks? You’re on a mission. Maybe you should even head over to one of those buildings you never see as a freshman, like the Barco Law Building or Hillman Library. You’ll get an unmatchable knowledge of campus this way. On your little jaunt, keep an eye open for those organization fliers, but also keep an ear open. Word of mouth is the second most highly effective method of recruiting on campus. Again, false statistic, but it is plausible that you will hear about certain goings-on quite a bit just by tuning in.

These methods are not the only ones useful in procuring free food, although they are the most generally accepted. There are other unsavory means by which to eat for next to nothing. Possibly the most used among these is the “mooch off your friends” move. As a freshman, this is a little more difficult considering most of your friends are stuck in Towers with the same giant bin full of snacks that your mom sent you, so a bit of animosity can arise when you, in equal circumstances, try to get their food pro bono.

There is a remedy to this, though, and that comes in the form of one of those lucky kids who gets a care package from the parents or grandparents once a week. When this stash has been discovered, all that’s left to do is to cover your tracks by appearing to be as un-“mooch off your friends kid” as possible. Two methods, gender specific: If your friend is a girl, try subtly calling her fat, thus getting her to practically beg you to take the food off her hands. If it’s a boy, try tossing the item like a football in a game of catch and distract your friend by saying something dirty. Then walk out, still holding the food item. You have not only stopped yourself from being “mooch kid,” but you may actually be liked more for being honest and full of dirty jokes.

I recommend exploring your own means for dining sans dollars. It’s a fun time, and you get to learn a lot about the University, campus organizations and academic departments. And if all else fails, Mom and Dad are still on speed dial.

E-mail Cassidy at [email protected] if you’ve found a foolproof way to subsist entirely on handouts.