Charles Schultz once said, “Once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.”

Maybe… Charles Schultz once said, “Once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.”

Maybe that holds true in the comic strip business, but in sports, the only way someone picks up speed once they’re over the hill is if they trip and roll down it.

It seems in recent years that athletes are often coming out of retirement to rejoin the sports at which they once excelled.

As fans of these sports, we don’t need to see these people anymore.

Two older sports legends announced plans to come back to their respective sports, and I think they’ll prove Schultz wrong.

One is Roger Clemens, who again decided to grace the sports world with his presence this year. The other is tennis great Pete Sampras, who agreed to face the world’s top player, Roger Federer, in three exhibition matches.

Clemens signed with the New York Yankees in early May and is slated to make his first start of the season in early June. “The Rocket”‘s return to Major League Baseball in June is becoming the unofficial kickoff to summer.

As a Yankee fan, I can’t exactly say that I’m happy to have Clemens back. It’s nothing personal, but only because I don’t know Clemens on a personal level. So for that reason, let’s say I just don’t want to root for a man older than 40 who still frosts the tips of his spiked hair.

Also, he’s certainly not going to single-handedly bring a World Series title back to New York, especially with the team this year. So why even bother picking him up for half a season?

He was barely a six-inning pitcher with the Astros last year in the National League, and now he’s a year older and going to have to face the deeper lineups of the American League. That can’t be good.

And why does Clemens even want to come back? I’m not his accountant, but I’d imagine he has plenty of money for his family to live on. He’s won two World Series and has more than enough personal accolades. Perhaps Clemens wants to be a therapist and decided he would start by trying to solve the dysfunctional family that has been the 2007 New York Yankees.

If that was his intent, he’s already failed. The game where he announced his comeback was just odd. In the middle of the game, Clemens emerged from the owner’s box at Yankee Stadium, took a microphone and announced to the crowd that he was coming back.

It was a scene straight from the WWE. The only thing missing was an attractive female manager to walk Clemens to the mound and hold his hand after he received his beating. I guess that’s what Andy Pettitte is for.

While Clemens is coming back to face some of the best teams in baseball, Pete Sampras is going right for the current-greatest tennis player. Federer is the top-ranked tennis player in the world and with a few more years at his current pace, will be chasing after some of Sampras’ accomplishments.

The difference between Sampras coming back and Clemens doing so is that Sampras is going to embarrass himself in some exhibition matches, whereas Clemens is going to do so in a league where it counts.

But still, what does Sampras have left to prove to the world that he would feel the need to even bother stepping onto a court with Federer at this point in time?

And not only that, but the public’s last image of his career couldn’t be any more perfect. With his career visibly declining, he somehow found a way to win the 2002 U.S. Open, and against longtime rival Andre Agassi, too.

This seems all too familiar to Michael Jordan retiring after hitting the series-winning shot against the Utah Jazz in the 1998 NBA Finals only to comeback and play for the Washington Wizards, where frankly, he was just a shadow of his former self.

Would we rather remember Sampras standing in Arthur Ashe Stadium, drowning in applause from thousands of fans who realize this is their last glimpse of an all-time great, or slumped over, short of breath after a losing a long volley against Federer?

If we’re in a time when retired athletes are going to come back a few years later, let’s at least make sure the fun athletes come back. Nobody is going to remember Clemens for his widespread appeal or Sampras for his sparkling personality. If they can come back, I think we should make at least a few characters return as well.

For one, Rickey Henderson has been trying to break back into baseball forever. I would love to see him back, if only for his interviews. Or to put it in the third person so that Mr. Henderson can understand: Adam thinks Ricky Henderson should be allowed to play baseball if Rickey Henderson wants to.

I wouldn’t mind seeing Charles Oakley and Charles Barkley make comebacks either. Put them and Ron Artest on the Sonics, move them to Las Vegas and film everything. Instant fun for fans everywhere.

Speaking of Barkley, I’d like to see him announce a bit more than basketball. If he could talk Pete Rose into coming back – but only as a commentator – and they did a show about who to bet on in the alleged dog fights at the raided Virginia home owned by Michael Vick, that would be something.

I’d be all for it if athletes were to come back and do interesting and fun things. But when athletes un-retire and merely tarnish their previous bodies of work for no reason, I’m going to have to agree with Charlie Brown when he says, “I can’t stand it. I just can’t stand it.