Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is… Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is a work of fiction produced solely for entertainment value.

Forget working for world peace or fighting global warming or childhood obesity. According to a recent study, college students are too vain and narcissistic to think past their next tanning appointments.

The Narcissistic Personality Inventory, spearheaded by San Diego State University, reported that self-esteem and self-confidence among students have reached the level where they could have some detrimental societal consequences, such as infidelity, dishonesty and violence. But they forgot about the most important one: potential death by falling into ponds because your reflection looks that darn good.

Pitt professor Stephen Grudge has noticed the increase in student narcissism over the past couple of years.

“Look at all the clothes students wear today: Target, TJ Maxx, Old Navy. What ever happened to a good old burlap sack?” he asked.

According to Grudge, the solution for student vanity is very simple.

“Students need to look in the mirror every morning and say to themselves, ‘I look like poo, and I smell like it, too,'” Grudge said. “I’ve been doing it for the last 30 years, and it works.”

Junior Dave Lifter disagrees. “There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your appearance,” he said.

“After I graduate, I might sign up for that welfare system the government’s got going,” he added. “I don’t want my muscles to atrophy in some stupid office job. I gotta look good for the ladies