Ah, college.

Hear that? That’s the sound of 18,000 twenty-somethings pretending to be… Ah, college.

Hear that? That’s the sound of 18,000 twenty-somethings pretending to be scholars. See that? That’s the sight of 18,000 students typing 20-page papers on topics they don’t understand. Smell that? That’s the you-know-what of 18,000 people who think being chemistry/art/economics majors makes them experts in their respective areas. And if you’re a frosh, like I was last year, you’re likely to be pretty intimidated by this.

Most people are pretty terrified when they come to college. All around you, upperclassmen are discussing way-out topics like moral relativism, trade deficit and pork barrel politics, and let’s face it: The most intellectual thing you’ve done in the last 12 years of schooling is watch the occasional episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy, if that. So you are now faced with the immediate and daunting task of not only pretending to understand all this, but also actually generating intelligent discussion if the situation arises.

It’s a task made easier, no doubt, by the liberal use of quotations.

There’s a poster out there I particularly enjoy that proclaims, “Beer: Helping white guys dance since 1862.” As I am neither a bad dancer – I’m an amazing dancer – nor inclined to consume beer – I’m boring like that – I can’t really tell you if that’s true or not. Nevertheless, one could easily apply that same attitude toward quotations: “Helping idiots sound smart since the beginning of time.”

Quotes lend credibility to just about anything you say, regardless of where the quotes come from. I think most people are so impressed that you used a quote – it makes you seem well read and intelligent and sophisticated – that they won’t even care about the dubious origin of the quote itself. Consider the following example: “When I find out who took her, I’ll mash ’em and crash ’em and smash ’em!” It’s an impressive quote, right? It’s reminiscent of a grief-torn cowboy, lashing out against the recent kidnapping of his dearly beloved.

The quote is actually from “Rugrats.” Angelica said it.

This works even better if you sprinkle the quote with French or Latin. Never mind that “Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est” means “Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.” The point of a foreign language is that it’s foreign, and people will naturally assume those who can speak it are smarter than the rest. C’est la verit