I like surprises. Getting caught off guard with something new brings joy to my life…. I like surprises. Getting caught off guard with something new brings joy to my life. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find anything like that in the news right now.

Last week, millionaire Joe Francis, creator of the “Girls Gone Wild” video series, was arrested and indicted for tax evasion. The charges could land him in jail for 10 years and cost him more than $500,000 in fines. This decision comes following multiple lawsuits over filming and “promoting sexual performance” from girls under the age of 18.

That this guy – a man who throws money and alcohol at girls to expose themselves to his audiences of 15- to 45-year-olds – is having legal problems and may not be the most upstanding of citizens is about as surprising as telling me that a baseball player with arms the size of a PAT bus may not naturally be that big.

Francis is a stereotypical scumbag. His job involves taking advantage of vulnerable girls and getting them to do things that would make their poor fathers cry. He was also charged five years ago with prostitution, racketeering and drug-trafficking, and has been accused of rape and assault. I’m amazed he hasn’t been this close to the slammer any sooner than this.

The trial should be a blast. Last month, according to ABC News, he showed up four hours late to a court date wearing shorts, a backward cap and no shoes. Doing his best impression of a respectable human being, Francis then put his dirty feet up on the table and shouted obscenities throughout the hearing. If anybody pitched this to cable, they’d put this trial on Pay-Per-View in a second.

After reading this article a few times, it made me think about grander things. This guy is a multi-millionaire at the age of 34, from a business he started only 10 years ago. His product was recently mentioned as part of USA Today’s list of the “25 Trends that Changed America,” on the same page as racial diversity and women’s equality.

This is bigger than the tattooed guy getting the girl at the party or the kid who broke into my car sophomore year and got away with my iPod. This is a clear case of a bad person using his awful qualities to gain power and influence in the very world he is destroying. He’s living large now, but if karma exists, he should be reincarnated as a piece of gum stuck to the floor of a movie theater.

It amazes me that such bad people can become powerful social figures for doing the things that make them as terrible as they are. Why have we awarded someone like Joe Francis with so much wealth? Is it even worth trying to be a good person these days?

You may say that Francis has no real wealth at all, that he may have lots of money but is empty inside. I’m a scientific man. For me, it’s survival of the fittest. And when the next terrible war or natural disaster comes around, the guy you call soulless will be able to buy a pretty nice bomb shelter with plenty of emergency rations inside. For an accused child pornographer, that’s not such a bad deal.

Life isn’t fair. Why do athletes make more than schoolteachers? Why do corporate suits make more than the factory workers that actually produce the company’s products? Why do people like Donald Trump, Vince McMahon and Lex Luthor rake in the dough and dominate the headlines, while Mother Teresa was stuck wearing the same white habit her entire life?

Hopefully the judge will do the right thing and give him a really rough sentence, like putting him in a room for 30 seconds with some of the fathers of the girls he’s exploited. After that, he should be forced to pay back all the sweaty-palmed losers he’s ripped off and then sent straight to Guantanamo Bay.

If all goes to plan, Joe Francis’ quality of life will finally match his output. He should be stuck in solitary confinement with nothing but a looped video playing of girls going to college, getting degrees and working hard to become successful and important members of society. The mere sight of it would probably confuse him into insanity.

Now that news story would surprise me. And after I read it, I’ll start selling “Jerks Gone Wild” tapes to people all over the country for the low price of $19.99, plus shipping and handling.

E-mail Sam at [email protected] with any sort of evidence that says everything will be OK.