Let me tell you about my spring break. In a word, whoa.

So my buddies and I drove a… Let me tell you about my spring break. In a word, whoa.

So my buddies and I drove a convertible down to Cancun, where we spent the week basking in the sun, topless and half-drunk during the day and dancing at the clubs, happy and all-drunk at night. I returned to Pittsburgh with a tan and a tattoo that says “SPRING BREAK 07!!!!” on my lower back that I can’t remember getting.

Sounds great, right?

Well maybe, if that’s what had actually happened.

Instead, I spent my spring break on my couch. At home. Without a car. Going to funerals. Seriously, two of them.

With my parents at work, my brother in high school, and all of my friends either still in college or anywhere else on earth, I was left with several ways to pass the time during the day: catching up on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episodes, catching up on my academics, talking on the phone to my girlfriend on her lunch break from work and taking chicken out of the freezer to defrost for dinner upon my mother’s request. I’ve never felt like such a hermit.

That said, I will now attempt to chronicle for you my week, in all its mind-numbing glory, and the songs that could have scored each day.

Sunday: “Sunday Bloody Sunday” by U2. My family and I drove to Philadelphia for a fun-filled day featuring two funerals, the first of which was for a lady I called “Aunt,” but who, I’ve recently learned, was actually not related to me at all.

Thanks for the truth, mom and dad.

She was eulogized by a rabbi who was also in the Army Reserves and thought it tactful to wear his uniform to the funeral. With time to kill between services, my family searched for a place to stop and walk around. When we finally parked in front of a Circuit City, all three of them decided they weren’t really in the mood to get out of the car, and so they sat in the parking lot while I looked at quality electronics.

Monday: “Manic Monday” by The Bangles. I spent this day driving myself insane checking my cell phone clock every 20 to 30 seconds to see if it was 9 p.m. yet, when “24” would come on TV and all would be right in the world.

Tuesday: “The Final Countdown” by Europe. From when I woke up at around 2 p.m., I was counting down until my girlfriend got off work and drove to see me in my hamlet of Lancaster, Pa. I passed the time reading back issues of music magazines and entertaining the notion that today would be the day I started catching up from where I stopped reading for one of my classes in January. But only the notion was entertained – not me – and so I put the book down and watched television. Eventually my girlfriend’s car appeared in my driveway and, just like the previous day at around the same time, all was right in the world.

Wednesday: “I Think We’re Alone Now” by Tiffany. This song was performed in the ’80s by a redhead with no last name who toured malls around the country and sang to the types of people who think hanging out in malls is, like, totally awesome. That said, these are the type of people I was surrounded by on Wednesday night, when I actually left my house to go shopping. With my mother. Hey, a man will do crazy things when he doesn’t have any friends or a car. Still, I ended up with some new clothing I never would have paid for by myself, a dinner at Qdoba (the classiest place in the mall) and a greater appreciation for the fact that I’m not a middle-schooler wearing a My Chemical Romance sweatshirt and braces with multi-colored rubber bands trying to pick up chicks outside of Sears.

Thursday: “Cleaning Out My Closet” by Eminem. I cleaned out my closet and rediscovered several of my favorite old T-shirts from eighth grade. They still fit, meaning I haven’t gotten fat, but also that I haven’t gotten much taller. The resulting happiness and sadness of these discoveries effectively cancelled each other out, leaving me without the desire to do much of anything, so I took a nap. Upon awakening on my floor, I joined my mother on a trip to the supermarket. Not only did she buy me whatever I chose, but I also got to push the cart.

Friday: “Friday I’m In Love” by the Cure. By the time Friday rolled around, I was about out of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episodes. Luckily, my girlfriend was making her second visit that night and staying for the weekend – pure bliss, especially compared with how I spent the previous few days. We ate dinner with my parents and went out for milkshakes at the all-night diner I used to frequent in high school, listening to my fourth-grade mix tapes I’d found in my closet the day before. Apparently, I was really into Melissa Etheridge.

Saturday: “One Sweet Day” by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men. OK, so this song is about death, but Saturday really was one sweet day, involving lying around my house lazily, but this time not alone, and also a dinner that I managed to cook, somehow without burning the food, or my house, down. I was as amazed as she was.

Sunday: “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money. My girlfriend’s parents kindly drove us back home to Pittsburgh, ending my wild and crazy spring break. While it wasn’t the most exciting week, it certainly had its perks – not only did I learn that, with explicit instructions, I can actually cook, but also that I’ve got all my childhood mix tapes and the knowledge that, as a fourth-grader, I really loved the Counting Crows.

Brag to Justin about actually doing something during spring break by e-mailing him at [email protected].