As I sit before my computer drafting this column late Wednesday night, another Valentine’s… As I sit before my computer drafting this column late Wednesday night, another Valentine’s Day has come to a close. Contrary to how most people seem to feel about the holiday, I’m a huge fan.

Personally, I love buying flowers, going out to a fancy dinner that, as a dirt-poor college student, I can’t really afford and, as was the case this year, having my Valentine make me a wonderful meal ending with s’mores.

And to the haters – it’s only a Hallmark holiday if you buy a card, so next year get out some construction paper and markers and stop complaining.

Alas, one thing that truly intrigues me about Valentine’s Day is the music with which it is associated. This music of which I speak, of course, is the love song. In my mind, there are several types of love songs: the bad-cheesy (“Take My Breath Away,” “I Want to Know What Love Is”), the good-cheesy (“Time After Time,” “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic”), those written by Stevie Wonder and those written by The Beatles.

All these songs are united chiefly by one thing, and that is the lyrics. Love songs are about love. Some can be fast, some are slow, some are beautiful and some make me want to vomit, but all of them have lyrics attesting to what love is, how it feels to be in love or, in Meatloaf’s case, how one will do anything for love, but he won’t do that.

There is a different type of song that is appropriate for Valentine’s Day, though, and it is this type that really gets me thinking. We know what makes a song a love song, but what makes a song sexy? The criteria for these are, of course, very different – though “All My Life” by the Beatles is one of the best love songs ever written, it sure as hell ain’t sexy.

So while love songs rely on lyrics and melody to convey emotion, it’s the mood and the attitude that make a song sexy. A sexy song can be about anything as long as the feeling is there – Tom Petty’s “Last Dance with Mary Jane” is very possibly about smoking pot (or at least that’s what we all thought in high school) but is still one of the sexiest jams I’ve ever heard.

Before we continue, allow me to clarify: by sexy songs I do not simply mean music to have sex to. While a sexy song certainly may have that purpose, I’m talking about songs that exude sexiness, sensuality, mystery and allure – not just sex. In other words, R. Kelly songs may be purely sexual, but they’re not purely sexy. That said, let’s break down this sexy attitude to find out why, in the realm of crooning white boys, John Mayer ranks a generous seven while James Blunt clocks in at a generous zero.

The sexiness of any contemporary tune starts with the vocals – passionate without necessarily being powerful, warm without being overtly happy. Here Third Eye Blind’s “I Want You” is the perfect example. Vocalist Stephan Jenkins is a man smitten with desire, sure, but he maintains an almost playful sound throughout, even on the ever-so-sexy line, “Send me all your vampires.”

Other experts at sexy vocals are Led Zeppelin’s Robert Plant (“Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move/Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove”) and Jeff Buckley (“Oh, that was so reee-aaal”).

Next comes the groove: the musical basis of every sexy song. The groove is what the song is built upon – some repeating, churning, mesmerizing rhythm over which the vocalist sails along, constructed by the play between bass, drums and guitar. The groove always benefits from some sort of build up and explosion, where it gets more and more intense until it finally breaks.

You may say that the masters of musical groove are jam bands (Phish, Grateful Dead) and you’d be right, but I’m less inclined to think that “Truckin'” is a sexy song. The modern experts of the sexy-song groove are members of Minus the Bear, who match twisting, turning, constantly moving, high-pitched guitars with fast, splashy drums and a vocalist whose voice meanders all over the music, crooning about red wine and absinthe.

Other bands that make sexy songs with perfect groove are dance-rockers The Music, Canadian rapper K-OS and, dare I say, stadium-rockers Incubus.

Sure, these guys are quite mainstream, but compare their sexy “11AM” or “Are You In?” with anything by, say, the completely un-sexy Creed, and you’ll see that mainstream rockers can still be sexy.

The make-or-break quality of a sexy song is how the vocalist interprets and plays with the musical groove. When the sexy music unites with the sexy vocals by toying with the same rhythms and dynamics, then you’ve got a wonderfully sexy song.

Case in point, in which I will reveal my other pick for sexiest song ever (the first being Third Eye Blind’s “I Want You”) – Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You.” This pop-hit gem from the ’90s features acoustic guitar and piano played delicately in a slow, gentle groove, on top of which vocalist Hope Sandoval sings with an airy, lush voice, all the time weaving in and out of the music’s rhythm. Plus, the chorus, which is just the song’s title, will melt the coldest heart.

So there you have it – all the makings of the sexiest songs of all time. Love songs are already charted territory, and there are some fantastic ones (see the second two categories listed above), but sexy songs are far more intriguing – it is something intangible that makes a song sexy, something that you can feel but not necessarily read in the lyrics.

A love song smacks you in the face; a sexy song sneaks up on you.

Fade into Justin, or just send him some damn sexy feedback at [email protected].