Most couples do not have enough intimacy. Not the sexual kind, but the emotional, deeper… Most couples do not have enough intimacy. Not the sexual kind, but the emotional, deeper kind that occurs in a truthful, healthy relationship. This was one of the central messages in a relationship seminar, “Choosing a Healthy Relationship,” held Monday night in the William Pitt Union.

Presented by the University Counseling Center and the Office of Cross-Cultural and Civic Leadership, the program was the first lecture in a three part series of relationship workshops titled “Building Meaningful Relationships.”

In a panel discussion, three Counseling Services staff members outlined the critical components of a healthy relationship and provided relationship advice. There are several elements in a relationship, but intimacy and a healthy sense of self-esteem are crucial.

“If you don’t like who you are, you’re not going to attract someone who likes him or herself either,” James Cox, Counseling Center director, said.

Without good self-esteem, individuals run the risk of using relationships to get self-validation, according to Laurie Kessler, a Counseling Services intern. Such individuals also frequently enter relationships with incompatible partners because they feel a need to be in a relationship, she said. The way to avoid this, Kessler said, is to have a strong social support system of friends and family and make a conscious effort to focus on positive emotions.

It is also necessary to view partners rationally, or, as Cox noted, at face value.

“You can modify behavior, but you can’t change people,” he said. “It’s not your job to fix your mate.”

“Most people like who they are,” Kessler added.

But most importantly, the key to any good relationship, Cox said, is truth. No relationship can progress if neither partner has the ability or freedom to honestly communicate and be assertive, he said.

“To have a functional relationship, you must be able to risk losing it by telling the truth every day,” Cox said. “People change, and you have to be honest about that. Let’s put it this way: You can be hurt, or you can be devastated.”

Tom Smith, a Pitt senior, could attest to Cox’s words.

“I have had a lot of relationships that failed because I did not find emotionally healthy people,” he said.

Smith attributes the success of his longest relationship, which lasted two years, to the kind of intimacy that the panel discussed.

“We were very open with each other, and that was key. But we also shared the same values, and we became each other’s best friend.”

But apart from a lack of emotional involvement, Smith believes that college relationships often fall apart because students have their priorities backward.

“Frequently, student relationships start sexually and afterwards turn into emotional relationships,” he said.

In light of this, however, he still does believe that students can develop their own healthy relationships.

“It is very possible,” he said, “but being in college is a disadvantage because there are so many distractions. People have 10,000 things going on at once.”