One out of every 10 rams is gay. That’s right. Every time you see 10 rams, you can rest… One out of every 10 rams is gay. That’s right. Every time you see 10 rams, you can rest assured that at least one of them prefers rams over ewes. Common knowledge, I know, but it is worth mentioning because of a recent scientific development. An article from the Daily Telegraph reports that scientists have attempted to change the sexual orientation of sheep to help farmers, who have accused gay sheep of causing them financial loss.

The scientists gave the sheep injections, adjusting the hormone levels in their brains and, amazingly, some previously gay rams became attracted to female sheep. Naturally, the gay and lesbian community was not happy. Their fear is that this success could be a gateway to experiments involving human sexuality and may one day be used to “breed out” homosexuals entirely.

Personally, I think this experiment is debauchery. The scientists responsible should be tarred and feathered – or maybe tarred and wooled. Altering sexuality is a very slippery slope.

But it seems as though these scientists have forgotten an important fact: If those sheep would just accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior, they could easily overcome their homosexuality.

These rams made a conscious decision to be attracted to other male sheep. Any sensible person knows that sheep choose their sexual preference. Why would God make them gay? It’s about time that these farm animals take responsibility for their own deviant and deranged sexual behavior. Stop trying to pull the wool over our eyes. Once again, scientists are trying to prove that homosexuality is not a decision, but a natural part of brain chemistry. Fools! As if these sheep were born that way.

Sheep are not entirely at fault here. It’s apparent that the farmer has never spread the Word of the Gospel to them. How can we expect the sheep to know if they’ve never been told?

But while I find their tactics to be vile, it’s difficult to argue with results. The scientist’s experiments worked. Science is abominable, but if we allow sheep to be in same sex couples, then we have to allow multiple sheep couples, sheep and lamb couples, and before you know it, sheep will be dating goats.

So maybe the experiments are not completely a bad thing. Who knows? Maybe someday we can apply this research on able-bodied men and women in the gay community who would have been totally qualified to join the military had it not been for their sexual preferences. If people won’t willingly rid themselves of gayness, scientists can simply remove the gayness from them. Uncle Sam will no longer have to shun them.

What a great day for democracy that would be.

But I’m still disturbed by the experiments, and it isn’t just from an ethical standpoint. Sure, I was a little frightened by the creation of the Spoat – a goat whose milk is essentially very powerful spider web. Yes, I’m terrified by the idea of using embryonic stem cells to save the lives of human beings. (Any zygote will tell you that life begins at conception.)

What scares me is if homosexuality is bred out of humans, who will be blamed for the moral decay of society? Right now, we have a reliable scapegoat. Take that away, and what are the masses to do? Accept the fact that we are all somehow responsible for the evils on our planet today? Absolutely not.

I take comfort in believing that tsunamis, hurricanes and genocides occur because God is mad at us. As long as I can convince myself that global warming is caused by what consenting adults do behind closed doors, I’ll be happy. People who drive a Hummer to pick up a loaf of bread aren’t damaging our atmosphere: They are simply exercising the freedom our ancestors slaughtered the Indians for.

While people say that everyone should live one way, speak one language, celebrate one holiday and use the same toothpaste, deep down these people know that some of us must be different. If everyone was the same, there would be no specific group to blame.

This is why sheep should not be genetically altered to become heterosexual. If we breed out homosexuality, people everywhere will lose the very rights that have defined what it means to be an American: the rights of ignorance and denial.

Let’s stop being sheepish and admit the truth. Email [email protected].