Like most people on campus, I think, I chose the cheap way out and decided not to buy a… Like most people on campus, I think, I chose the cheap way out and decided not to buy a printer when I came to college. And, like most people who didn’t buy a printer, I spent my freshman year trying to make friends with those who did have printers. But like all good things, my mooching era soon came to an unhappy end and on Dec. 4, 2005, I made my maiden journey across the bridge to the David Lawrence Hall Computer Lab.

I’m not going to lie: It changed my world. The college printing situation, more than advisers I’ve had or classes I’ve taken, was the single greatest factor in guiding me towards my economics major. It has truly defined my college experience.

Think about your favorite computer lab – I’m a DLH man myself, though I’ve been known to frequent the glorious Wesley W. Posvar Hall Computer Lab on occasion – and remember the fantastic cover sheets that adorn every print job. The colors change every day! Some colors – the hot pinks and the nasty yellows, for example – are fairly common. The more appealing shades – soothing greens and gentle blues – are far rarer. Moreover, the color schedule is, as far as I can tell, based on the whims and moods of the nebulous technology department. The consequence of these relative disparities is inevitable: the rise of the black market.

In the dark, dimly lit corners of the Cathedral, the transactions take place. “I’ll trade you five hundred yellows for one blue,” somebody mutters. Another voice “Throw in a term paper, and you’ve got yourself a deal.” Seriously, I’ve seen people sneaking around Hillman Library, cornering unsuspecting freshmen and extracting a deal.

The cover sheets are extremely valuable: Besides being used as scrap paper, they can also be used for origami, passing notes during class, projectiles in the library or, in times of desperation, a makeshift Kleenex. It’s no wonder that some people – OK fine, only me – go Dumpster diving for blue cover sheets when no one is looking.

Like any good underground economy – and trust me, you’ll know when you see a bad one – there are complexities and structures that have emerged from nothingness. It’s kind of like the Matrix. I’m referring to, of course, the user names that adorn the cover sheets.

User names at Pitt are fairly straight forward: your initials, followed by a number that denotes how many people, including yourself, have had those initials. For example, my user name is RRP10. RRP are my initials, and 10 means that Pitt has been graced with 10 RRP’s since, I don’t know, the beginning of time or something.

A rare user name, in the black market, is worth at least five meal blocks. The more improbable the letter combination – XJF or ZVR, for example – the more valuable it becomes. Sometimes, a gem of a user name comes along that can trump the color value. And of course, user names are collector’s items, too. Who wouldn’t want a WTF of their own to show off to friends, or an LOL to hang on the wall?

Power traders, therefore, actively scout out the incoming freshman class on Facebook, targeting those to “friend” and eventually exploit for their unique names. Some have taken a subtler route, becoming the CSSD specialists and snatching up good cover sheets before they can hit the open market. ResNet “agents” infiltrate dorm rooms, deliberately sabotaging computers so that students must use the labs. I’ll have to say, it’s all very well-run. And say what you want about the dubious techniques in practice, but blessed is the man who finds a Xavier Yvon Zona. It’s a prize worth dying for.

It could be fairly argued that paper as a store of value is pointless, but to that I counter, “What else are we supposed to do with the million cover sheets that are forced upon us each semester?” And my logic – flawed, to be sure – is that if the government can do it, and Parker Brothers’ Monopoly can do it, then we, the enterprising students of the Great University of Pittsburgh can do it, too.

Like this article? Ravi is currently accepting donations in blue and green paper denominations. E-mail him at [email protected] for more information.