Many times in a person’s life, a wonderful, shining, golden opportunity presents itself. The… Many times in a person’s life, a wonderful, shining, golden opportunity presents itself. The chance to ride in your dad’s friend’s new Beamer. Getting to eat that last piece of cake.

Conversely, there are many more times in a person’s life when an ugly, dirty, unwanted task presents itself instead. Pulling bathroom duty at work. Being the guy who has to check on the bio lab plants on Sunday morning. History, in essence, is the story of the struggle between these dichotomies. How to singularly exploit the golden window and, at all costs, avoid the unpleasant one? Fortunately, the brains that invented quantum theory, polio vaccines and MySpace.com came up with a similarly brilliant solution: Rock Paper Scissors or RPS, as it’s called by aficionados.

Prior to RPS, an individual had to go about winning the old fashioned way – killing somebody. Sure, it was exciting, but after all, it did require planning and certainty. RPS, on the other hand, retains the violent element – “rock crushes scissors,” “paper chokes rock” – but completely bypassed the need to, you know, expend energy. If someone was really mad, he could throw out his move with extra vigor and perhaps – accidentally, of course – turn that rock into a bone crushing punch or that paper into a quick jab to the jugular. Even today, the possibilities are endless. RPS is also known as Roshambo, which sounds like Rambo, a name that epitomizes masculinity.

Despite its simplistic veneer, RPS is a sophisticated game. Mathematically, there are only 27 gambits that one can employ in a standard three-round blood match. Some are simple: Bureaucrat – paper, paper, paper – Crescendo – paper, scissors, rock – and Avalanche – rock, rock, rock. The rest are classified to protect the innocent. Seriously.

If anyone is left in doubt about the sheer power contained in any single move, let alone the entire game itself, read this description of the Avalanche, taken from the World RPS Society Web site: “A subtle, yet aggressive Gambit. [Avalanche] was the first of the Triple Gambits developed in the early 1890s. The Avalanche is a relentless and devastating offensive maneuver, which requires bravado bordering on recklessness to execute.” The subtleties of RPS continue to awe novices and masters alike.

In a perfect world, people would have embraced RPS with open arms. Here was the solution, the end to all the world’s problems! Why wage a war when you could just battle it out with RPS? Why go to jail for illegally downloading music – just bust out an Avalanche on the FBI to avoid a prison sentence! It is fair, it is quick and it is flawless.

“But no!” people cried, “We like the coin toss!”

Give me a break. The coin toss is as useful as the ceiling fan in my dorm room. Not only is it a stupid concept – throwing a piece of metal in the air and running after it as it rolls around – it’s also bad for America. I’m no economist