Rivalries. What are they? Think of the five biggest ones in the country, professional or… Rivalries. What are they? Think of the five biggest ones in the country, professional or collegiate.

What’d you come up with? I think it’d be safe to guess you said Yankees and Red Sox, North Carolina and Duke, Army and Navy, Ohio State and Michigan, Notre Dame and Southern Cal, heck, even Lehigh and Lafayette.

Did anyone out there say Pitt and Cincinnati? Anyone? Bueller?

I didn’t think so. The sixth meeting along the Ohio River takes place Friday, when Pitt challenges the Cincinnati Bearcats for the elusive “River City Rivalry” trophy.

What’s on the trophy? According to the University of Cincinnati’s media packet previewing Friday’s contest, the trophy is “comprised of a riverboat telegraph” and a “silhouette of the Ohio River.”

The same packet also mentions the rivalry’s “85-year history.” What’s the following sentence?

“Pittsburgh leads the all-time series, 5-0.”

That’s one heck of a rivalry, playing one season-changing, intense, pressure-filled, colossal game of mammoth proportions every 17 years. Of course, now that the two share the Big East, the contests come every year. At Tuesday’s preview press conference, Pitt head coach Dave Wannstedt deepened our questions.

“Cincinnati is obviously a conference game,” Wannstedt said. “A conference game this early in the schedule – as you’re still working through personnel and some offensive and defensive issues – we have to make sure that we understand the importance of this football game.”

No mention of Cincinnati being one of Pitt’s most hated rivals. He also neglected mentioning Pitt’s gutsy 21-14 victory over the Bearcats in 1921, one for the record books.

Now, Cincinnati does have four players from western Pennsylvania: Antoine Horton, Lance Jeter, Robby Armstrong and Donnell McKenzie. Maybe they will carry fire in their hearts when they see the hated Panthers line up on the other side of the ball.

Pitt sophomore defensive back Eric Thatcher hails from Cincinnati. I wonder if he smells blood whenever he sees that famous Bearcat footprint.

The University of Cincinnati is also hosting a major promotion Friday night at their field, Nippert Stadium. Is it Puncture a Pitt Panthers Balloon Night? Maybe Shave the Wannstache Night?

Not even close, folks. It’s Youth Football Night. And it’s also NCAA Take a Kid to the Game Night.

In other words, it’s Bring Your Family to a Nice, Friendly, We-Won’t-Hurt-You College Football Game Night.

Do you want a bunch of snot-nosed elementary school students dispersed among a crowd of snarling, spitting, dangerous college kids ready to tear out their most hated rivals’ hearts?

I guess you’d need to find some college kids who actually get fired up for Pitt and Cincinnati college football first.

So why can’t I accept this as a rivalry? What is my problem?

Well, I like the Backyard Brawl. And I wish we could reestablish a Pitt and Penn State series.

Why? Those rivalries have history, tradition and a whole lot of hatred between the fan bases. Because I know at least 20 kids who’ve shouted, on many occasions, a slur or two in the direction of Penn State or West Virginia.

And West Virginia and Penn State aren’t five hours away and down a river, and they actually battle Pitt for recruits.

So until Cincinnati makes things interesting, maybe floats upriver or steals a big name Pitt recruit, I just can’t swallow the River City Rivalry – even if the trophy has a “riverboat telegraph” and a “silhouette of the Ohio River.”

Jeff Greer is a senior staff writer for The Pitt News. E-mail him at [email protected] when he travels to Cincinnati tonight to cover the River City Rivalry game.