I’m not going to tell you what to eat for dinner. I don’t care how much you drink tonight…. I’m not going to tell you what to eat for dinner. I don’t care how much you drink tonight. Just because I don’t smoke, I certainly don’t care that you do — unless you’re blowing it in my face. Want to go base-jumping? Do it. I’ll stick to skydiving, thanks.

It’s not my business if you want to procreate or if you’ve decided that the world should be spared another generation of your DNA. Really, it’s not my concern. I don’t make it my job to tell you what to do with your body. It’s yours to refine or destroy as you please. All I ask is that you keep your actions to yourself. Now, is that so much to ask?

Well, yeah. It is.

I’m reluctant enough to take heath advice from people I know well, but President Bush? I mean, the man choked on a pretzel and almost died — he’s not the kind of guy I want giving me health advice.

So what’s the trillion-dollar man’s crusade of the moment? “Preconception Health.” Unhook your bra, undress from the waist down and cover up with those plastic sheets ladies ’cause your government believes that you should start thinking about getting pregnant… now.

Get pregnant today — maybe not — but prepare for it? Definitely. In an article on May 16, Washington Post reported that new federal guidelines ask all women from the time of their first menstruation until they reach menopause to regard themselves as “pre-pregnant” and to be treated as such. Yes ladies, you are just a walking uterus, a vessel for procreation if you will. Your life from puberty’s onset should revolve around your one, government-dictated goal: motherhood.

And what does being pre-pregnant entail, you ask? Well, cut those cigarettes out, drink less, take folic acid supplements, lose weight and keep those pesky chronic ailments (asthma, diabetes) under control. Under the new guidelines, your doctors are also supposed to regularly check up on your pre-preggers health and your baby-making plan for life.

It’s not that the guidelines are asking us to do anything ridiculous as far as our health. The suggestions are pretty smart and we could all be a little healthier. It’s just the idea that these suggestions are meant to prepare us for pregnancy, insinuating that pregnancy is inevitable and unavoidable for all women.

I’m sure motherhood is great, but it’s not for me right now. And I’m not one of those bra-burning feminists — I like my Victoria’s Secret. I just don’t want my doctor to ask me every time I see him if I am minding my “preconception” health. How ’bout you get rid of this nasty post-nasal drip first buddy, then we’ll talk ankle-biters.

Dan Savage calls it the American Taliban in his syndicated Savage Love column. Imagine that. Fighting against oppression abroad only to be subject to it at home. Maybe that’s a little extreme, but he poses a good point:

“Color me paranoid, but ordering American women to regard themselves as ‘pre-pregnant’ because they may harm a fetus they don’t know they’re carrying opens up the door to prosecuting women who harm their fetuses by failing to regard themselves as ‘pre-pregnant’.” Savage also insists that it’s not too outlandish to think that these “suggestions” could turn into the rule.

Experts say that half of pregnancies are unplanned and that a lot of damage can be done to a fetus between conception and confirmation of a pregnancy.

I can see it now. “No, I can’t have that wine cooler. I’m pre-pregnant.” Or better yet, signs at amusement parks warning that pre-pregnant women are prohibited to ride. Isn’t this the time of my life where I can go buck-wild and drink alcohol and ride roller coasters? Because once I decide to get knocked up I’ll be a designated driver and that girl holding everyone’s stuff at Kennywood.

Yes, pregnancies happen unexpectantly. No form of contraceptives is 100 percent effective. But there is no reason to treat young girls — girls who are too young to drive a car — as if getting their period means that the next step is pregnancy. What are we telling these girls? Are we telling them that good girls go to school, go through puberty and spend the next 10-15 years planning for pregnancy and finding a husband? This is more than telling us what we need to do with our bodies — it’s telling us what to think.

Some women will never have children. Should they be forced to go through “preconceptive treatment”? Some women will want to, but will never find a mate or will find one that will be unable to procreate himself. The possibilities are endless. But one thing’s for sure, not every women’s life will include motherhood.

If I don’t know what my future holds, why should others presume to? I might want to have a baby or two someday — I haven’t decided yet. But if that day comes, I’ll do what I can to make healthy choices for myself and the little beast I unleash into the world.

Sarah’s having a BYOB anti-baby shower at Kennywood. RSVP at [email protected].