Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously…. Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

I’m often asked, “Dan, how did you achieve such obvious moral, intellectual and physical superiority? Your opinions are so fiery and true that they’re rendered in print for consumption by the ignorant, seething masses.”

Usually, I reply, “Well, mom, it’s a long story,” and leave it at that. Best not to betray one’s secrets of the trade.

But today will be different. I’m feeling generous, the same way I feel when I give change to the homeless — of course, I make sure to warn them not to buy drugs with it!. I try to take pity on those less enlightened than me, and today, perhaps I’ll spread some of that enlightenment.

Superiority of opinions is borne from superiority of perspective, and I achieved my superior opinion through rigorous academic study and the magic of life-changing experience.

Take my study-abroad experience, for example. I spent last fall living and learning immersed in a fascinating foreign culture in London. I learned to live as a Brit, traversing the many clubs, bars and restaurants of the historic European country, some of them built on sites literally over a hundred years old. There, I learned that outside America, the struggle of day-to-day life is both agonizing and beautiful, and that the simple people of the United Kingdom experience some of the same emotions that normal people do in America. The experience really opened my eyes — foreign cultures can be people too.

But it doesn’t stop there. My academic experience is rife with obscure and challenging material. My burning desire to help others has led me to the pre-med track, and while it is easy to get caught up in my studies pursuing my dream of becoming a plastic surgeon, I realize that diversity is important in my education. Many majors in the hard sciences never make the effort to branch out into other fields of study because theirs is so much harder and more demanding than anything else, but I made sure to diversify my education by taking a couple of philosophy courses.

Taking Intro to Ethics changed the way I look at the world. I have learned from some of the greatest thinkers in history, and I’m not too modest to say that it inspired me to write some of my own philosophy. I’ve been known to throw on a nice turtleneck and hunker down in a local coffee shop with my laptop to work on my words. Sometimes I bring along some Foucault for inspiration, or take to discussion with some of my friends about the big issues facing the world over a chai latte. Exercises like that are the reason I remain mindful enough of my fellow man to give out that change I mentioned. Individual moral acts are the foundation of what I like to call a “community of virtue.” Just my little contribution to Oakland, that’s all.

Those same friends also teach me valuable life lessons every day. I keep a diverse social circle, and I have learned so much about alternative lifestyles and alternative races just from them alone. Their diversity helps me have more diversity.

Experiences and habits like these help me to formulate a superior understanding of the world compared to that of a normal person’s. The hard work I put into making myself a more sensitive, moral, enlightened, intellectual man makes my opinions more relevant and interesting than most, which is why, dear reader, you come to me to have your eyes opened to the truths of the world. That is the power of the college newspaper columnist.

I hope I’ve helped entertain and teach you. Hopefully, the laity will embrace my words as I have embraced the words of other great minds such as Plato and Dan Brown. It’s not an easy burden to shoulder — I believe it was Machiavelli who once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” So I do hope that by shouldering that burden, I can help those less intellectually gifted than I, so that I might spread enlightenment to those who are ignorant and deficient in moral and intellectual constitution, like the poor and women.

Daniel Richey says, “You’re welcome.” E-mail him at [email protected].