I have two e-mail addresses – one from Pitt and one I’ve had since I was 7. I hardly ever use… I have two e-mail addresses – one from Pitt and one I’ve had since I was 7. I hardly ever use the second one, but I still check it every so often, hoping for something to cheer up my day. I checked up on it earlier this week, after ignoring it for a little less than five days.

Yes, 375 new messages! I’d like to put this excessive number in perspective. That’s 75 e-mails per day, or one and a half times as many e-mails as calories in a six-piece box of chicken McNuggets. If e-mails were dollars, I might be able to buy all my books for one semester. I received one quarter of an e-mail for each time a reporter mentioned that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit in the past week. And, to top it all off, NBA big man Shaquille O’Neal is only listed at 325 pounds.

I figured that with so many e-mails in such a short amount of time, at least some would have to be for me. But, as in most of my life, I figured wrong. I received 375 e-mails and every single one was an advertisement for some product or service. Here are some of the highlights:

“Kaplan Can Help You Find the College that’s Right for You!” Thanks guys, but you’re a little late. And, by the way, I already did.

“Wanna Jump Like Vince Carter? Now You Can!” No I can’t, and you don’t need to rub it in.

“Own your home!” No, thank you – the landlord can keep it. Come visit, you’ll understand why.

“Christian Bill Removal Services.” I actually took the time to read this one. Turns out they help pay off your debt, but only using good Christian values. The ad has a picture of a couple, most likely debt-free, smiling at their saved souls while their son sits between them with a look of horror on his face.

“Look Ten Years Younger!” I can picture it now: “Hey Betty, who’s that totally adorable 9-year-old in our anthro class today?”

“I don’t know, Veronica, but I saw him first, so back off!”

“Get your free pink Razor cell phone today!” Wow, they really know their target audience.

“New Windows Can Beautify Your Home!” This one is only funny because the only window in my room is just big enough to fit either a small mouse or a very, very flexible contortionist.

“Get Rid of Cellulite and Feel Sexy Again.” I don’t think this one even needs a punchline.

“Suffer from menstrual pains? We have what you need!” Unless they’re offering a place to hide or a new “volume up” button on my remote control, I think they sent this to the wrong person.

I was also offered free trips to New York, London, Australia and rehab. They had free samples of weight loss pills, weight loss patches and motivational videos that will help you lose weight. I found opportunities to apply for a loan, buy insurance and file for bankruptcy. They could help me finally reach some of my lifelong goals: learning Spanish, smoothing out my wrinkles and shopping at Victoria’s Secret. It was like a dream come true.

Actually, it was more like a nightmare. I sifted through 375 advertisements and didn’t find one legitimate deal for something I could use in any of them. All this spam does is waste time, spread viruses and, when it actually works, con people into making poor financial decisions. E-mail filters do their best, but even that’s not enough to stop this wave of new-age telemarketing. Until we see more effective technology or more stringent government regulations, we’re just going to have to deal with getting 375 e-mails in five days.

I could have just deleted them all, but I was afraid I might pass over the one time some long-lost friend was trying to get in touch with me or needed my help. All in all, it took me about a half-hour to go through all the e-mails. That’s a whole half-hour that could have been used for schoolwork, cleaning my room, working out, spending time with my friends or, most importantly, taking a nap.

Will I ever get this time back? I doubt it. Will I ever figure out this little game and remember to stop going through every single new message? Probably not. Wait a second – this guy is offering free memory pills. Hmm.

E-mail Sam at [email protected], unless you are trying to sell him something. If that is the case, make a fist and punch yourself in the face, because that’s what you deserve.