If you’ve been watching the news closely, you’ll notice that an all-out, Chicken… If you’ve been watching the news closely, you’ll notice that an all-out, Chicken Little-screaming apocalypse is taking place on the other side of the Atlantic. In Great Britain, waterfalls of fire are pouring down from the sky, earthquakes are ravaging the terrain and wild beasts are running amuck in city streets. Thousands of historic monuments are crumbling to the ground, along with morale of the population. And, worst of all, homosexuals are getting married.

All of this destruction could have been avoided last year by the Parliament, when the Civil Partnership Act was ratified last November. The first day that couples of the same sex could register for legally recognized unions was this past Monday. Now that the sanctity of marriage and the traditional family is officially destroyed, the Big Guy in the Sky has ordered an all-out massacre of the people of England, Wales and Northern Ireland, preventing them from spreading this unholy nonsense to other countries.

Wait a second – what? You mean none of this is happening? Britain is doing fine? Adults are going to work? Children are going to school? Tea is being drunk? Cricket is being played? The people are living their lives as they always have? What about the divine wrath? I thought that once guys were marrying guys and girls were marrying girls, what we know as a peaceful existence would come to a violent and bloody end. I mean, is He watching? Doesn’t He know what’s going on down here?

Hmm, so homosexuals are joining in civil partnerships and the world is not ending. You know what – those crazy Brits could be on to something here. Maybe homosexuals are real people, too. Maybe it’s OK for gay men and lesbians to be together. Maybe we should accept all people and any seemingly alternative lifestyles. Maybe everyone, even those who like others of the same gender, is created equal?

Weird, but I kinda like it.

So, finally, homosexual couples in Great Britain have the same rights that heterosexual couples have, including all benefits and responsibilities, including pension, social security, taxes and inheritance rights. I’m not trying to say that it is a utopia of acceptance, though – the word “marriage” had to be removed from the act in order for the more conservative members of Parliament to accept it.

Despite this, the governing body has been able to do something much of the United States cannot – look past personal morals and recognize the rights of all citizens. I can understand if people are ethically against homosexual unions, but it is not fair to hold an entire country responsible for these beliefs.

Ceremonies can be officially held 15 days after registration. And on that day, conservatism is going to receive a big ol’ kick in the pants. In what should be one of the biggest celebrity weddings this century, Sir Elton John is joining in a union with his longtime partner David Furnish. The famous performer and gay-rights advocate is holding his ceremony in Windsor’s 17th-century town hall, the same place that witnessed Prince Charles’ marriage to Camilla Parker Bowles just months ago. Take that, you reactionaries.

So, now that our ally England allows gay marriages, do you think that we’ll be the next to follow suit? Unfortunately, I doubt it. The United States, especially the people in charge, are still too religiously influenced to accept such a proposal. It embarrasses me to know that our lives are still dictated by outdated ideals, and we are afraid to let people live normal lives. These unions do not harm anybody or anything. Although I love my country and would rather live here – I’d take an apple pie over a shepherd’s pie any day – on some subjects, they are way, way ahead of us.

Good luck to any fools crazy enough to get married, no matter what gender. E-mail Sam at [email protected].