Dude, you’re going to die. You see, you keep eating those ridiculous fresh green and… Dude, you’re going to die. You see, you keep eating those ridiculous fresh green and other-colored vegetables and it’s killing you. The vegetables themselves aren’t killing you, exactly, but your new diet requires a huge increase in the amount of vegetables you need to consume. And you blithely fork mouthful after mouthful into your yap without realizing the danger in which you’re putting yourself.

Sure, the extra fiber and vitamins have given you the additional energy you need to do all the various things you do better than before you began this God-awful diet. What you didn’t know is all that extra energy has ripped apart your insides. Because your body wasn’t meant to eat these dangerous leafy green things – certainly not in the amounts you force it to digest regularly – you are on the way to literally sealing your insides shut.

That’s right; all that extra fiber is having the opposite effect. The exit of your digestive system is rapidly shutting for good. Your failure to find alternative sources of food – such as cheeseburgers and steak – has created a situation where eventually there will be no way for refuse to escape your body. But your continued hunger will necessitate further intake of food, until your extremely elastic intestines hemorrhage and you collapse dead and inflated.

Of course, if you would only have listened to me and the rest of the rational population, all of whom refuse to give in to the temptations of the devil-spawn of soil, you could have saved yourself. We have science on our side, but the Vegetable Industry hired their own scientists advocating for continued vegetable consumption to confuse you into believing their preposterous lie.

Buoyed by a different leafy green from the bottomless coffers of the Vegetable Industry campaign to hide the truth about vegetables has begat a president that refuses to read – well, anything; but most especially – science. It might not be too late for you, but you need to change now, or I fear those damned dirty legumes will seal – among other things – your doom.

On an unrelated tangent, Canada is hosting a United Nations climate conference to discuss the dangers of global warming and climate change. This meeting is the biggest conference since the Kyoto Protocol of 1997 and hopes to renew the efforts to decrease greenhouse gas emissions around the globe and by doing so prevent the catastrophic consequences of unchecked use of fossil fuel that could spell the end of civilization as we know it.

This conference comes in the wake of a new study by the European Project for Ice Coring in Antarctica published earlier this year, which found that there is more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere today than at any point in the last 650,000 years. The data was collected by studying the air bubbles in ice buried deep in the Antarctic. This coupled with the recognized rise in average global temperature of 1 degree Fahrenheit over the last few decades is alarming news to say the least – the last ice age was caused by a drop of only 5 degrees Celsius. Basically, by our irresponsible use of unclean energy, we are close to hastening a drastic, possibly fatal change in human history.

And guess who refuses to ratify any document that commits them to gradually reducing greenhouse gas emissions over the course of eight years. If you said the United States of America led by President Bush, you win a brand new Nissan Sentra.

Luckily our reasoning is sound. You see, reducing greenhouse gasses means reducing the use of oil and coal as energy sources, which could hurt our economy. What those crazy scientists who scream about melting ice caps, increasing tropical storms and widespread droughts don’t realize is that when all those things happen as a result of our inaction, God will save our country because She accepts Visa.

Arun has crossed off “rant against global warming” from his 50 Liberal Things to do Before I Die list. E-mail him at [email protected] .