At Sorento’s at 2 a.m. on a Saturday, you can really see Pitt’s anti-alcohol initiatives… At Sorento’s at 2 a.m. on a Saturday, you can really see Pitt’s anti-alcohol initiatives paying off big, fat dividends. The dining room was filled with Vikings, cats, slutty cats and a host of other costumed people who had gotten out of their parties but didn’t want to go home yet. I’ll bet there wasn’t a sober person in the room, with the possible exception of the cooks. And even one of them looked like he had thrown back one too many.

For some reason, I thought of Pitt and its futile efforts to stem the flow of alcohol to these students, and in general, lead a crusade against inebriation.

A few weeks ago in the Quad, for example, Pitt’s Resident Student Association sponsored a “non-alcoholic mix-off.” They had popcorn machines, cotton-candy makers, an inflatable bouncy thing and of course, nonalcoholic mixed drinks.

I went to one of the tables they had set up that offered nonalcoholic mixed drinks. In addition to the virgin Daiquiris, there was a poster that read “Alcohol: myths vs. facts.” Two RAs I know were staffing the table, and I had a good time going through the list with them.

The poster sounded like it was written by Barney, the dinosaur-turned-prohibitionist. “Myth: Alcohol makes you feel more at ease. Fact: You don’t need alcohol to have a good time.” I asked my friend what he was doing that night, and he said he was going to a party. Unless he meant that he was going to a box social at his local church, I knew he would probably be drinking – illegally – that night.

I thought that had to be the reason that nobody takes these anti-alcohol messages the school gives seriously. Once anybody has been drunk, of course they know it makes them more at ease. And yes, thank you Pitt, for noting that I don’t need alcohol to have a good time. Of course I don’t need alcohol to have a good time, but it is still a way to have one.

Rather than delving into actual reasons that someone might want to avoid any of the many debaucheries in our society, Pitt still speaks down to students as if they were toddlers who stole from the cookie jar. The dire warning that we will get tummy aches is not enough to scare us into submission.

Look in this very paper. Almost every day, Pitt places an advertisement that gives students some “real facts” about alcohol. And, of course, they throw in the fact that it is illegal to drink unless you are 21. What a shallow, shallow way of trying to end drinking. If murder still occurs in a society with the death penalty, does Pitt honestly believe that one single under-ager will refuse alcohol because of fear of the law?

It is this sort of one-dimensional address that Pitt gives to underage drinking that ensures no student will ever take its efforts seriously. I know of loads of kids who stay away from sex, drugs and alcohol, and every one of them has a better reason than that it is illegal or immoral.

I don’t understand why Pitt thinks that giving us “facts” about alcohol will make it seem any less appealing to anyone. Rather than continue in this useless vein, Pitt and RSA and whoever else on this campus is trying to get me to drink less would do well to take a leaf out of the book of a few of our campus’ organizations.

Each Friday night, a devoted group gathers in the Cathedral basement to witness the glory of Friday Night Improv. Starting late in the evening and ending even later, this program gives students looking to fill their their free nights something to do. RSA programs, in addition to sucking, end early in the night. They offer little in the form of late-nightentertainment, the kind that students crave and search for in frat houses all over Oakland.

Pitt 4-Square throws late-running parties on weekends. They get money from anti-drinking organizations, from what I understand, and are able to buy vast quantities of Red Bull and pizza. Rather than launching an ideological crusade against alcohol, as the school does, 4-Square goes out and gives about 100 students something else to do with their time other than drink.

And after all is said and done, kids are still going to go out drink despite all that the school does to stop them. The university needs to be realistic. It is because of zero-tolerance ideologies that authorities never actually address the problems they seek to solve.

For Pitt to expect to make any dent in underage drinking, it must step up and provide real reasons and opportunities for students not to.

Sam Morey lives in Bouquet Gardens. Come drink with him on his incredible “Love Sac,” or e-mail him at [email protected].